


Blue (and Techically Some Other Colours, Too)

by presidentcas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Asexual Castiel, Asexuality, Coming Out, Depression, Domestic Violence, Gay Panic, Guilt, Happy Ending, Homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Mentions of Underage Sex, Multi, Parental Abuse, Physical Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, mentions of rape/non-con, religious negativity, too many fic tropes probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-23 20:14:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 25,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8341246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/presidentcas/pseuds/presidentcas
Summary: There are two sides of Dean Winchester.One of them is The Dean Winchester: a quarterback with a gorgeous girlfriend and an awesome best friend, joking around with Dick Roman and being flirted with by mostly everyone at his school. The other side is just Dean. Just Dean who has an abusive father and is an emotional mess with a sexuality crisis.Balancing the two sides was already hard enough, but now Castiel is there and Dean has a ridiculously big crush on him, and his family situation is becoming harder than ever. It’s not easy being Dean Winchester, but it’s not easy being Castiel Novak, either.





	1. Colours

**Author's Note:**

> It’s crazy how I’ve been working on and off on this for half a year, and now it’s out there. Wow. There’ll be proper acknowledgements at the end because they’re cool, but for now a massive thank you to my betas, [Jenna](http://www.featherdfreckles.tumblr.com) and [Jenny](http://www.apocalypsecastiel.tumblr.com), for fixing this up and making it nice, my incredible artist [Terri](http://www.blog.tmorganart.com) and my wonderful cheerleader and girlfriend: [Linnéa](http://www.actualfadomtrash.tumblr.com). Y’all are fab.
> 
> Now go on, read! I hope you’ll enjoy :)

 

Everything is blue. There are technically some other colours too, like the colour of Cas’ skin, and his lips, those really plump, totally kissable lips, yet everything just _feels_ blue. The blue of those really beautiful eyes only inches away from Dean’s face.

”I’m so sorry,” Dean thinks. ”Really sorry, I didn’t mean to fall on top of you but it’s not like I regret doing it, this is pretty nice actually…” Thank God it’s all in his brain. He’s so sappy he wants to throw up, to punch a wall to feel manly again. That's what he tries to want, but his brain keeps distracting him with the feel of Cas under him and the color of his eyes. He just finds Cas so unbelievably pretty, and Dean’s whole stomach fills with butterflies.

”I’m sorry,” Dean tries again, but the words don’t come out. He feels pretty content with just laying like this, leaning on his elbows in the soft, green grass. His face is only inches away from Cas’. He doesn’t feel any need to get up.

Cas smiles awkwardly under him.

Dean smiles back, widely.

 

”Winchester!” The coach yells, snapping Dean out of his blur.

Dean realises he should probably get up. After all he’s been lying on top of Cas for quite a while. He’d fallen on top of him at the side of the football field as Cas was walking by, because Dean is so damn clumsy and apparently doesn’t have functioning eyes.

”Coming, coach!” he yells back, rolling off Cas and getting onto his feet. ”Didn’t mean to run you down,” he says nonchalantly, the closest he can actually get to an apology. He knows that he’s an A grade jerk, but he doesn’t know how to do anything else. It’s just the way it is.

”It’s uh, it’s oh-” Cas stops and takes a breath. ”It’s okay, Dean.”

”I haven’t heard you stutter before, Cas” Dean wonders out loud, realising how rudely that could be interpreted seconds after the words have left his mouth.

Cas looks down. ”I don’t, u-usually, you just, I-” Cas gives up and shakes his head, then speaks very quickly. ”I gotta go. I shouldn’t have been this close to the field, I’m really sorry.” He backs away, still looking down, before he eventually turns around.

Dean realises he probably should have said something, and yells a half-hearted ”Cas!” in the other boy’s direction, but he doesn’t turn back.

Dean continues playing football, doing his best to suppress what had just happened. He is a quarterback, and there are certain expectations, most of which he doesn’t have a problem with, like being a jerk or doing badly in school, but others that are more challenging: being straight, for example. Besides, he has a girlfriend. Dean thinks Lisa is pretty and kind and incredible, and he likes her a lot – just not as much as Cas, apparently. _Dammit, brain_ , he thinks. _Just shut up_.  It doesn’t want to, however, and Dean finds himself unable to focus.

Coach Shurley calls him over after the practise.

Dean walks across the grass field. It’s bright green. Spring is turning rapidly into summer. ”What’s up, coach?” he asks, even though he already knows.

"I need you to concentrate, Dean. Keep your head in the game, alright?" Coach Shurley says, a frown of concern crossing across his face. Dean nods irritably, ashamed to be called out by the fluffy haired man. He had initially disliked the bearded coach with his anxious behaviour and air of librarian, so different from what he had expected from a high school football coach, but after several meetings in his office, where Dean had shared his life outside of football and they had bonded over their shared love of books, the strange man had grown on him, especially after he had loaned Dean several of the novels he had penned before retiring. Dean still has no idea why he decided to become a coach afterwards, but he's not complaining.

”Sorry, I’ll be better,” Dean apologizes, secretly a bit angry with Cas for throwing him off. It hasn’t only happened on one occasion, either. Cas, single handedly and without saying a word, has been the reason for dean's drastic drop in grades for biology. He is just so much more interesting to look at than the teacher!

”Alright, go shower,” Shurley says, and Dean walks towards the locker room.

 

”I can’t believe our quarterback is this clumsy.”

Dean opens his locker next to Dick Roman’s and shrugs. ”I can’t believe you’re such a dick. Your parents must have been psychics, naming you so appropriately.” Dick and Dean have been some sort of friends since primary school. He knows that it’s a strange friendship, constantly being rude to each other, but it’s just always been this way.

Everyone laughs, Dick included. ”Good one, Dean. Very original.”

Dean smirks and starts undressing. He always makes sure to keep his eyes entirely off everyone to avoid any suspicion. It mostly works.

Still, he lets his eyes wander. Just a little.

It’s an ugly locker room: Orange brick walls with faded paint and red lockers that clash with every other colour in the room. There are tiny windows high up on the walls that let in the smallest amount of light. It is the kind of locker room that smells like old sweat. Dean is pretty damn sure there are sweaty socks from twenty years ago up in the vents. Gross. He shudders.

”You seemed pretty comfy on top of that new guy.” Benny says as he walks up to Dean. He smirks.

”His name is Cas,” Dean says, before realising he probably isn’t helping his case very much. He feels the blush spread on his face. ”I had to make sure he was okay,” he adds hurriedly. ”And he was.” He smiles not-so-convincingly.

”Sure, Dean, sure.” Benny smiles, but there is a spark in his eye.

The issue with Benny is that he knows Dean a little bit too well. He knows about Dean’s crush on Garth back in second grade, and about his doubts about his relationship with Lisa. Benny knows about the gay porn websites, bookmarks hidden in folders within folders on his password-protected computer. He knows all those things, yet Dean doesn’t feel like he is out to him. He hasn’t come out to anyone, and he isn’t planning to either, because he isn’t gay, not really. It is just a phase. If only he can make himself believe that.

He can count the amount of people who have come out as anything at his school on one hand. There is this one girl, Charlie, who is gay. Dean doesn’t even know how she’d come out, or when. Everyone just knows. He hasn’t made up his mind on Charlie, even after having several classes with her every week for almost two years. He just hasn’t made his mind up when it comes to anything to do with sexuality, period.

Dean really hopes that nobody at his school can read thoughts.

 

Weeks go by without the two talking. Dean catches Cas stealing glances at him constantly – in bio, across the cafeteria, as he’s reading in the bleachers by the football field. It’s not like Dean’s much better himself. He just can’t look away. It’s like they’re fucking magnets, pulled toward each other against their own free will. Dean only hopes something will disturb their magnetism because it’s getting _annoying._

Benny keeps pushing him on the matter, too. One day they’re laying next to each other on Dean’s bed on their stomachs, doing their homework. Dean is just starting to understand a really hard maths question when Benny pokes him in the ribs.

”Ouch!” Dean complains, lightly punching Benny in the shoulder as revenge. ”I almost solved that and now I can’t remember what I was doing!”

”Oh no, poor you.” Benny says sarcastically.

”Well, did you poke me in the ribs for a reason?” Dean asks, throwing his maths book to the other end of the bed just like Benny already has.

”I’m bored, that’s why,” Benny says with a shrug, but Dean knows him better than that.

”Haha. If that were the case you would’ve just pushed my book away. That’s tradition. Out with it.” Dean turns to Benny with a disapproving look.

”This new gu- well Cas, or Cassiel or something-” Benny starts.

”Don’t,” Dean interrupts. His eyes are dark.

Benny almost finds Dean scary sometimes.  He’s so certain about things. Once Dean Winchester has set his mind to something, there’s no changing it, and attempting can lead to some serious fights. Which is why Benny doesn’t know why the hell he’s bothering to do this.

”Either you talk to him or you stop staring at him! It’s like a fucking romance novel,” Benny sights. He waits for Dean to get angry, but it doesn’t happen.

”I don’t stare,” Dean simply responds. ”Gotta rest my eyes somewhere, right?” He shrugs.

”Okay, but those are heart eyes you’re resting on him. With giant, pink fucking hearts in them and blinking neon lights. They could light up the whole school, like every classroom and - Everyone can see them, Dean. Even Lisa.” Benny looks down.

Dean tries to keep himself calm. Benny is doing this because he’s worried about Lisa, and Dean can’t be mad about that, right? He only wants the best for her, after all. He wants to be a perfect boyfriend. So maybe Cas- the new guy, he corrects himself - has gotten too many looks from Dean.

”I’ll talk to Lisa, Benny, relax. You should probably get those eyes of yours checked, though, because I’m pretty sure I would have noticed if my eyes emitted light.”

Benny gives up and shakes his head.

”Whatever you say, man. I gotta pee.”

 

Benny gets up, and Dean lays down on his back. He should’ve hung out with Dick instead. He might think Dick lives up to his name, but at least he’s not a fucking mind reader. Except Benny’s not one, either, because he’s wrong. _Benny’s wrong, he’s wrong, he’s wrong. I do not have a crush on Ca- the new guy. He’s just a dude, and he’s new, so he caught my attention. I’m so used to everything else, that’s it. It’s not a crush. Benny’s wrong._ He’s hoping that if he keeps going like that, things will change. Because deep inside he knows exactly how right Benny is.

”Wanna play call of duty or something?” Benny’s voice sounds from the doorway.

”Sure, sure,” Dean responds. He walks over to get the controllers.

The sit down and turn on the game, and they’re just about to start when they hear a light voice.

”Can I join?” Sam asks.

”Ye-” Dean starts, but Benny shakes his head.

”I guess not?” Dean says confusedly. Benny is still shaking his head. Usually it’s the other way around.

Sam leaves, a little weirded out, and shuts the door behind him.

”We gotta play a real round, man. No makin’ it easy for Sam. We’re killing all of ’em, and then you’re gonna call Lisa and tell her right away that this Cas thing is a misunderstanding, because she’s been upset about it. Unless you’re gonna go all out with the guy, because I would accept that and everything-”

Dean puts his hand across Benny’s mouth.

”Dad’s gonna hear you, Benny! I’m _not_ gay!” He only hisses the last part, and it’s hard to hear. “Thanks for the speech and everything, but it’s all under control. Now let’s kill some sons of bitches, okay? I’ll handle my girlfriend tonight. On my own.”

Benny shrugs and starts the game. Dean does terribly.

 

Dean calls Lisa the minute Benny has left the house.

”Hey,” he says, unconsciously fumbling with the PlayStation controller that’s still in his hand.

”Hi, Dean,” she responds.

He can hear her smile. Lisa always smiles. ”So Benny was here,” he says, deciding he might as well just get right to the point.

”He always is,” Lisa laughs. She laughs a lot, and Dean loves it. ”What did he say?”

”He said you were worried about that new guy. Apparently I’ve been staring-” he takes a breath.  ”Maybe I have been, I don’t know. I guess he’s just something new, you know? Everything else is just the same as it’s always been.”

”Yeah,” Lisa replies.

Dean can hear that she’s pacing. ”I love you Lisa, you know that, right? There’s nobody else. Especially not a guy.” Dean is pacing too.

”Love you too, Dean.”

They talk for another while, and it’s nice. It feels real. For a short while, Dean can forget everything about Cas. They end up planning a date, and then Lisa makes kissing sounds until Dean hangs up, and he laughs for ages.

 

The next day he keeps his eyes off Cas just like he’s ordered. He even manages to answer the questions he’s asked in bio. He kisses Lisa a lot. He sees Cas with Charlie in the cafeteria, which is cool. The guy’s gotten friends. Dean doesn’t care. Cas is nothing more to him than any other stranger. He believes that, so it’s a good day. Until he gets home, that is.

He walks into the house and tosses of his shoes. He smells food, which is great because he’s so hungry, and he walks into the kitchen in the greatest mood he’s been in in a long time.

Then he sees his mom’s face, and how worried and scared she looks.

”What’s wrong, mom?” Dean asks.

Dean’s previously so good day is not quite as great anymore.

 


	2. Colours

The Winchesters are sitting around the kitchen table, all just picking at their food, except for Sam who eats like a horse. It’s like nothing’s different at all. Which for Sam, nothing is. This isn’t news to him. Just to everyone else.

John puts down his fork. ”Why don’t you just man up like your brother?” he asks, looking right at Sam.

”I’m not depressed, dad,” Dean says defensively. He truly hates it when John does that. Sam is going through something, and he should be getting support, not getting yelled at! Comparing them is a low blow. It happens so damn often, too, and it makes Dean want to do something real bad so that John will stop. Maybe he should.

”No you’re not, because you know how to man the hell up!” John rants.

”No, actually dad,” Dean presses. ”I’m just lucky enough not to be sick. ’Cuz depression is a sickness. So it’s not fair at all to compare me to Sammy.”

”Sickness my ass! The baby just doesn’t know how to handle feelings.”

”Oh yes, because drowning them in alcohol is so much better!”

John can attack Dean. He does that a lot, and Dean doesn’t usually say against him, but when it comes to Sammy it’s different. Dean’s gotta protect his little brother.

”I’m right here,” Sam mumbles. He’s stopped eating.

”You’re fifteen! Get your shit tog-” John starts, voice angrier and louder than it’s been in a long time.

”Enough, boys!” Mary says strictly. ”You either stop or dinner is off the table.”

Everyone continues picking at their food in silence until John stands up, puts his plate on the counter and leaves.

”I’m sorry. I should have stopped him earlier,” Mary says, her voice so low it’s hardly audible.

”It’s okay, Mom. It’s hard, we get it,” Sam responds.

Dean nods along with him. He understands. He really does. Maybe he’s reckless for answering to his dad like that. It’s not like it hasn’t gotten physical before. He just doesn’t manage to sit and watch.

”Depression, huh?” Dean asks. ”How’d the counsellor figure that out? You’ve been pretty great at hiding it.” He looks down at that. He should’ve noticed sooner. He knows his mom is thinking the same thing.

”I told her. I knew enough about depression to recognise it pretty quickly, so I mentioned some of the symptoms and she agreed.” He sounds clinical, like this isn’t about him.

For all Dean knows, Sam could be seeing himself as a study subject right now. Wouldn’t surprise him the least.

”Sounds like you.”

Sam nods.

”Let’s talk about something else, shall we? How are things going with Lisa?”

It’s the second time that night Dean appreciates Mary’s fantastic timing, the first being during dinner. None of them want to talk about the subject anymore. It’s depressing. Literally.

 

Dean’s doing homework in his room when Sam opens his door a short while later.

”Wanna come to Donna and Jody’s place with us?” he asks.

His brother really wants Dean to come. It’s part of the reason why he doesn’t want to.

”No, Sammy. You know that,” Dean sighs. He starts reading the next paragraph and is almost done with it when he realises that Sam is still standing in the doorway. ”What?”

”Why won’t you come with us?” Sam asks angrily.

”You know why!” They’ve had this conversation before.

”It’s dad that has something against queer people, not you!” Sam shakes his head, clearly mad at his brother for being so judgemental. Sam is a liberal guy.

”They’re lesbians, so I’m not coming. Conversation over.” Dean tries to read again, but Sam doesn’t move.

”They’re bisexuals, actually, or pan, I don’t know. They both had husbands once, remember? You can’t just keep ignoring them! They miss you, and they will not become any less queer if you don’t come to see them. So fucking grow up. It’s been well over a year and you’re being rude as shit. Besides, they’ve got a damn kid now! You really need to-” That’s how far Sam gets before Dean pushes him away and closes the door, leaving his brother stunned outside.

Dean struggles to finish his homework. It takes ages. Donna and Jody took in a foster kid a short while ago. The shitty thing is that he doesn’t even care about them being together. It would just feel like betraying John to go. Stop being the perfect, straight son that John thinks he is.

 _Nope,_ he interrupts himself. _I_ am _straight._ But then an image of Cas sneaks into his mind, this new, weird guy he doesn’t even know. He feels like this shit is right out of twilight. He’s freaking Bella. And now he’s thinking of twilight, which is for girls, which means his thoughts are gay thoughts and he has to get his shit together!

 

And then, because Sam and Mary aren’t there and John doesn’t care nor notice, Dean jerks off. It’s about time, and besides, it feels like the manly thing to do. And it is for a while. But when he comes and mutters ”oh fuck,” it’s not because of pleasure. It’s a legit ”oh, fuuuckk,” because it hadn’t been Lisa he’d been thinking of, hadn’t been girls even. It had been Cas.

And then Dean knows that he’s truly screwed.

 

The next day they get out of bio early, and Dean heads out to the football field to practice a little before the rest of the team gets there. There’s a P.E class going on at one end of it, and he can’t change yet, but he puts his backpack on the bleachers and starts to jog. He feels weird though, all by himself.

The class heads back. He has the field to himself for now, but the others will come soon. He jogs away from the bleachers for a while, across the whole field, and then he turns around and sees a shadow up there. He doesn’t have to get any closer to know who it is.

Dean jogs back slightly faster than he usually does when he warms up. ”Heya, Cas,” he yells, and two blue eyes appear from behind a book.

”Hello, Dean,” Cas responds. He looks good today. He actually looks great every day, but today he looks even better. His hair is messier than usual, and he’s wearing an AC/DC tee and tight ripped jeans. His legs are crossed.

”What’cha doin’ up there?” Dean says, or half-yells really, just to make sure Cas can hear him from four rows up.

Cas points to the book.

Dean nods. ”I like your shirt,” he smiles.

”Thanks!” Cas responds. Dean’s had yet to see Cas smile. Like, really smile. Now his eyes are glowing and his nose is scrunched up a little and the vein in his forehead pops out. It’s a nice smile.

Dean climbs up and sits down next to Cas. The bleachers are cold. Why would Cas spends so much time up here. ”You’ve only been here like, a month, right? Month and a half?”

Cas nods quietly.

”You liking Lawrence? I know it’s pretty boring, but it’s kinda cozy, too, ya know?” Dean looks right at Cas.

”It’s okay. Spent a few years here when I was a kid, but I don’t remember a whole lot.” He doesn’t look at Dean.

”That’s cool! Where’d you move from now?” Surprisingly, this is something he legit wants to know. He doesn’t just zone out like he sometimes does with Lisa.

”Iowa.” That’s as far as Castiel gets before his phone buzzes. It’s between them, on the bench, and they both look down at the same time. _Gabriel,_ the screen reads. They both just stare at it until it stops ringing. Dean doesn’t know why Cas doesn’t take it.

They look at each other. Then the phone vibrates, and Dean tries to not look, he really does, but his curiosity gets the best of him.

**_Gabriel          2:45pm_ **

**They’re trying to put Sam with Crowley. We have to stop this after what he did to**

That’s all Dean has time to read before Cas picks up his phone, throws on his backpack and practically runs away. Which is why when Benny turns up Dean sits up there like some idiot, all on his own and staring into nothingness.

Benny gives him a weird look. ”You should probably go change, Dean,” he yells. Dean does, but it takes longer than usual. He’s distracted. Who the hell is Sam? Obviously not Dean’s brother, so there’s another Sam. And who’s Crowley? What did he do and to whom?

Dean really wishes he’d have better self-control, so that he wouldn’t have seen the damn text.

He still plays decently, though. At least the coach doesn’t want to talk to him after practise.

 

Then they’re in the locker room again, and Dean is trying furiously to keep his eyes on what he’s doing, again, and it smells like old sweat still. It’s just like changing always is. He laughs at Dick’s bad jokes, and he makes some too, and even though he’s a bit uncomfortable he feels like he’s part of the team.

Everything is good, except for one thing. Benny hasn’t said a word to him, which means that an unpleasant conversation is coming.

”Out with it,” Dean says as they walk through the hallways to pick up some books before they go home.

”Huh?” Benny asks, but he knows. Benny freaking knows everything, and Dean knows that.

”You didn’t talk to me earlier. That means you wanna tell me something and you don’t know whether you should. So, out with it.” Dean fumbles with his locker, but gets it open eventually. It’s red, like the entire school. Freaking school spirit.

”Why were you sitting up there all by yourself?” Benny eventually asks, but only after Dean has gotten his books and when they are by his locker.

”Aren’t I allowed to sit by myself?” Dean asks nonchalantly.

”You are, but you don’t like it. Besides, you looked like you’d seen a ghost or something. Or like you were trying to make new formulas for some of Einstein’s theories in your head. Something in between.”

Once again Dean regrets befriending Benny in kindergarten. He knows too bloody much. The blue-eyed sucker had just had to share his burger with him. Dean hadn’t even asked for it, dammit.

”I was talking to Cas, okay? End of conversation.” Dean walks towards the door, feeling more than ready to go home.

”Not the end of conversation!” Benny protests, and then Dean unwillingly recites the conversation to him as they walk home.

”Dean, we have to find out who this Crowley guy is!” Benny says excitedly, always ready for a challenge. Back in primary school, people always gave him dears, knowing he’d do them without question. It ended with several worm deaths and a good amount of blood in fifth grade.

”No, Benny! That’s his business!” Dean looks away. Looks at the houses they’re walking past. He thinks about all the people living in them. The secrets they all have.

”You can’t say you’re not curious?” Benny stops, and it forces Dean to do so, too.

”Of course I’m curious.” Dean is. He really, really is. The thing is that it’s none of his damn business, and he tells Benny just that once again. The sidewalk is hard under his feet and the sun is burning his eyes. He can see his house just up the street, and Benny’s a couple houses up. He just wants to get home.

”We could ask Charlie. I bet she could find any information ever with those computing skills.” Benny’s getting excited. Dean regrets saying anything.

”I don’t wanna ask Charlie anything,” Dean argues. They’re almost at his door. So close.

”Right, ’cause you’re a homophobe, and a gay one at that.” Benny’s mostly joking, and Dean knows that, but he still doesn’t like a single of those words that just came out of the guy’s mouth.

He just says ”bye, Benny!” and walks away, towards his door and away from this ridiculousness.

”Bye, Dean!” Benny yells back, as if Dean wasn’t fifty shades of mad at him. He isn’t though, not really. Dean can’t stay mad at his best friend for long.


	3. The Scientist

”Dean, you’re pairing up with Castiel.”

Dean knew it the minute Mrs Chandler mentioned a biology project. He knew that he would end up with some really crappy partner. Benny always ends up with one of the hot girls, and they always do all the work for him. Dean has never been that lucky. He’s been paired up with everyone lazy, everyone angry and everyone gross in the entire class. Now it’s Castiel. He has none of the previously mentioned traits, however he is distracting, and Dean wants to ignore him for the rest of his life.

Castiel picks up his backpack and comes over to sit next to Dean, who drags his chair as far away as possible. Yes, he is being unreasonable. No, he doesn’t care.

”Where should we go to collect the plants?” Castiel asks. He actually seems genuinely interested.

“Woods have plants,” Dean responds, staring into the table. _Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him._

“Indeed they do. How about the ones right outside?” Castiel points to the window, where green woods stretch for miles. It is a good view from a biology classroom.

“They’ll work.” Dean fumbles with his pen.

“Dean?” Castiel asks.

Dean can feel the guy staring at him. “Yes?” he responds annoyedly, still staring at the desk as if he had laser vision and is trying to use it to make a hole. Very slow laser vision. Dean is a freaking robot.

“Why are you not looking at me? Did you get mad at me for being in your way the other day when you played football?” He actually sounds hurt. Legitimately hurt, and Dean hates it. “Because I’m sorry,” Castiel continues. “I really didn’t mean to be in you way.”

And then Dean looks up, and right into Castiel’s blue, blue eyes, and once again everything is blue. Dean notices how messy Castiel’s hair is and that there are dark circles under his eyes. He notices the wrinkles in his forehead and how concentrated he looks. He notices the kindness in his eyes. So much for ignoring him.

Dean moves slightly closer, because he figures it would be rude not to, and he smiles a little. “I’m being rude. I’m sorry; it’s not your fault. I’m just… in a bad mood, I guess.” He’s stuttering, and the apology doesn’t sound very valid, but Castiel smiles at him anyway.

It’s a big and forgiving smile.

“Okay.” He sounds so freaking happy. Dean doubts anyone’s ever been this happy in biology class. “How about we go out there once football practise is over tomorrow?”

Dean nods. “Sure. Why are you always reading up in the bleachers, anyway?”

“It’s much more fun to read when there’s stuff going on around you. It makes it much easier to concentrate. You just have to occupy enough of your brain and unrelated thoughts won’t force their way in. It’s… complicated.” Castiel looks down. “Now I’m rambling, I’m sorry. “

Dean shakes his head. “I think I get what you mean. You should try listening to really loud music. It’s a good block.”

Castiel blinks a few times and looks slightly uncomfortable. “I don’t listen to music much.”

Dean audibly gasps. He’s being melodramatic, but who in the world _don’t listen to music much_? It’s insanity. Dean’s soul is hurting.

“Like, ever? Not to anything? Not the Zeps? No Beatles? Not even that party shit or whatever everyone’s listening to now a days?” His eyes are wide open.

Cas freaking blushes. _Blushes_. “Not really, no. I mean I listen to the radio sometimes, when it’s on in the car or whatnot, but that’s about it.”

“What about your AD/DC shirt?” Dean asks, horrified.

“I don’t know. It looked cool, I guess?”

“Sinner,” Dean growls. That’s when he gives up and decides that they should start to write a hypothesis instead. They talk, write, talk some more, and steal some looks at each other. It’s not the worst biology class ever.

Lisa sits behind them and observes them closely. It’s totally normal for science partners to look at each other that much, right? Right. She invites Dean to come over to her place after school. He’s in.

They wait for the bus. Lisa lives further away from the school than Dean does. They stand right in front of the “Lawrence High” sign on the lawn, leaning against it casually even though it isn’t allowed.

 “How’s the yoga club doing?” Dean asks. Lisa started a yoga club. It’s going surprisingly well.

“It’s going great. We got three new members last week.” She smiles

“That’s great!” Dean kisses Lisa on the cheek just because he feels like it. Her smile grows wider.

That’s when the bus gets there. They make out in the backseat for a while, doing their best to annoy the others on the bus and being cheered on by some of the other football players. It’s fun.

 

Once they’re at Lisa’s place, they both change visibly. Lisa’s constant smile becomes smaller, takes less effort, and Dean’s tough look fades. They take of their jackets and sit down on the couch, and he holds her close.

“How are you?” Lisa asks as she looks him in the eye. She knows him almost as well as Benny. Dean wonders exactly how damn transparent he is, but then realises that they have been dating for two years, after all.

“Meh... Dad’s being a piece of shit again.”

“What kind of ridiculous reason does he have this time?”

“Sam’s depressed, apparently. None of us saw it comin’. He’s seeing the school counsellor so I think he’ll be fine, but of course Dad lashed out on him, telling him all he needs to do is to man up and shit.”

“That really sucks. I hope Sam will get better soon.”

Dean nods. “Me too.”

They shift and sit in silence for a while, just enjoying the quiet and each other’s body warmth.

“How are you doin’?” Dean asks back.

“I’m okay. I just kinda wish my parents were home. I miss them, you know? Just sucks that they’re always working someplace else.”

“I know.” He kisses her forehead softly and drags his fingers through her hair. It’s so soft and familiar. All thoughts of Cas are gone. Until he thinks that and they’re not.

“Means there’ll be a party though,” Lisa smiles. “Saturday.”

Dean smiles. “I’ll be there.”

 

The rest of the night passes quickly. They cuddle, talk, and watch some television. They even get a small amount of homework done. Dean feels good, and as always, something’s going to change that.

He calls John to get him to pick him up, and he doesn’t answer. Then he calls Mary and there’s still no answer. Then Sam. Goddammit, one of them nearly always answers! He puts on his shoes and kisses Lisa a hurried goodbye. She doesn’t ask because this has happened before. He calls the home phone, too, and there’s nothing. Repeat. Beeping sounds, so many of them, repetitive, the constant soundtrack as he walks, runs, walks, and runs. He has to get home. His backpack is heavy and he’s out of breath but he doesn’t care, get home, he needs to get home.

He knows what’s going on. It’s getting dark. _Hurry!_ What if it’s worse than last time? What if it won’t be okay this time? _What if, what if, what if_?

The ground is dark underneath him. Asphalt is all he sees.

The ground gets closer, closer, even closer.

The ground hits his hands as he falls.

The ground, it’s all he sees once again, he’s back on his feet, the ground, there’s just the ground and then there isn’t.

 

He’s at the door, and he unlocks it and slams it open and throws his backpack into a corner. He runs into the living room and shit, he was right, he was right and he should have been there.

John’s passed out on the couch. There are empty beer bottles on the table. Mary is sitting on a living-room chair and her eyes are red from crying. Sam is next to her and he’s crying, too.  He’s holding a part white, part red piece of cloth against Mary’s head. They both look at Dean, but it’s not a “thank God you’re here” kind of look that he used to receive in times like this. They’re scared. Jesus Christ, they’re scared of him. It makes him want to break something. Of course he realises that wouldn’t exactly be helpful. He’s just too much like his dad.

Instead he says to Sam “I’ll take it from here, lil’ bro,” and he takes the cloth and does his best to keep the wound from bleeding too badly.

“Glass bottle again?” he asks, biting his lip.

Sam nods and looks at the floor. “I thought he was getting better,” he says.

“Us too, Sam,” Mary says. “Us too.”

They stay like that for a while, in silence, all lost in thought. They really had all though things were going better. John had definitely had his fits, and he still got unreasonably mad for nothing, and when he wasn’t angry he was silent and uncomfortable, but he hadn’t been drinking as much. He hadn’t been as physical. He’d been better to Mary.

“Why don’t you just divorce him, mom?” Sam asks so quietly that Dean just barely hears him.

“It’s not that easy, Sam. You know that.” Mary is clearly tired.

Dean feels terrible for her.

“But it is,” Sam protests. “File a divorce, threaten to sue him, fake his signature. It’s not easy, but it’s not that hard, either.”

They hear a grunt from the couch.

“I’m going to bed,” Sam says, and he walks away with a sad look on his face.

“Me too.” Dean kisses his mother’s forehead and she tells him goodnight. She smiles as if she wasn’t still bleeding because her husband has just smashed a glass bottle into her skull. She’s being Mary.

Dean wishes he could be anyone else than himself. He lays down in his bed and puts on his headphones, and plays Black Sabbath. He turns up the volume until he feels as if the music is the only thing in his veins. Until it pushes away the blood and powers him and blocks him out. It locks him away from the world and away from his head, in a state in between where he is just _music_ . And then the album ends and he realises he had already queued beatles, and he listens to _Good Day Sunshine_ and _Lady Madonna_ and then _Hey Jude_ comes on.

It’s been years since Mary sang him a goodnight song. The last time was after John had gotten violent back when he was twelve. Mary had been singing to Sam in his room, and Dean had gone in there because they would share the bed when they were scared. Mary had said: “Sam’s almost asleep. I’ll come sing to you.” Dean had gone back to his room and Mary came. She sat down and she held his hand and started singing. Like magic, the song had put him to sleep like it had so many times before. It did now too. Dean thinks about how nice it would be had Mary sung it and not Paul McCartney.

Dean deemed himself too old for lullabies when he was eight. He wishes he hadn’t, and then his mind shuts off.

There’s this thing that happens when you’re nervous where time just sort of disappears, as if it was an entirely unknown concept. This thing happens where Dean remembers everything he’s done that day, but it feels like it hasn’t really happened. All he really knows is that he’s in the locker room after football practise, and that Cas is waiting for him outside. Which is weird.

“Wanna come over?” Benny asks nonchalantly as he’s putting on his shirt.

“Can’t,” Dean replies. He slams his locker shut. The last time he changed this quickly was damn long ago.

“Anything special?” Benny asks. He knows stuff goes down sometimes.

“Meeting Cas in the woods.”

Benny makes an _aww_ sound and Dean wants to punch him. He’s really glad nobody heard that.

“We’re science partners, okay? Also, do I need to remind you that I have a girlfriend?”

“Yeah, yeah. Good luck.” Benny starts to pack his things and Dean walks off, feeling weirdly excited about looking for flowers.


	4. Cool If I come Over

Cas is leaning against a tree just where the grass mends into the path. He looks really, really good as usual. It’s hard to ignore the pretty smile and the dimples. Hard to ignore how ridiculously good Castiel looks in a flannel and how well the jeans fit on his hips.

“Heya, Cas,” Dean smiles. He puts his bag and backpack up against a tree. The woods smell very nice. They smell like trees. He doesn’t like nature much, though. There’s mud and insects and… stuff. Gross.

“Hello, Dean, “Castiel smiles back. “Are you ready to find some plants?”

They walk a little deeper into the woods, right next to each other. At first they just look around, no words necessary. They effortlessly collect some different plants on top of a big rock they’ve found. It doesn’t take long before Dean thinks they have enough, but he picks a few extra flowers, just to be safe.  (But also because it’s actually pretty nice and relaxing, even though he would never admit that.)

They sit down on the rock, plants in between them, and then Castiel looks them up in a flower book he’s brought. Dean takes notes. Afterwards Castiel holds up each of the flowers (because well, they have a couple other plants, but it’s mostly flowers) and Dean snap pictures of them with his phone. Eventually most of the flowers are in a bouquet in Cas’s lap and Dean scoots a little bit closer, feeling an intense need to lessen the space between them.

Castiel is twirling a flower in his hands, and he looks right up adorable. Dean takes the flower from him, and it earns him an angry look before they both laugh. Then Dean places the flower behind Castiel’s ear. “Beautiful,” he smiles, and then he snaps a picture. It’s a very nice picture, and he can’t seem to be able to stop smiling.

“It is a very pretty flower,” Castiel says back, looking at the ones in his lap.

“You’re very pretty too, you know,” Dean smiles.

Castiel scoots slightly closer so that their sides are touching, and Dean’s almost overwhelmed by the sensation. Castiel’s side is warm and the flannel is soft yet rough – it’s well worn - against Dean’s bare arms, as he has a t-shirt on.

Castiel’s phone buzzes and the moment is over. He checks his phone quickly, and Dean looks away, wanting to give Castiel some privacy this time. He really regrets looking at the damn text before. After a while Dean looks back to Cas.

He looks worried, and Dean can only assume the text has something to do with the last one he saw.

“What’s up?” Dean asks, partly to be nice and partly because of curiosity.

“Family drama,” Cas simply responds.

“I’m not that much of a, ehrm, talker or anything, but you know, if you are…” Dean stops before he gets too awkward. This is _so_ far out of his expertise.

“Thanks for the offer. You’re actually really nice.” Castiel smiles.

“Actually?” Dean asks. It’s partly meant as a joke, but Castiel doesn’t get that.

He’s entirely serious when he answers. “You just… You act really differently now than you usually do. It’s nice.”

That’s really not news to Dean, but it’s strange to hear it none of the less. He looks down. “Thanks, I guess?” It sort of hurts, even when he knows that Cas is only telling the truth, and that it’s nobody but Dean’s fault.

Castiel nods and smiles, and then his phone buzzes again. He doesn’t look at it. “I should go,” he says. His legs swing down along the side of the rock and he hops down. Dean does the same thing and they walk back together, in silence.

They pick up their backpacks, and Dean his bag. “We should do… something again, sometime,” he says, and his stomach makes a nauseous jump.

“Sure,” Castiel smiles. “Bye, Dean.” And then he’s off and Dean’s left on his own. Once again it feels as if Cas was never there, and once again he’s curious about the text messages.

 

Dean dials Lisa’s number. He starts walking, past the school and onto the sidewalk, green trees and houses everywhere. “Hey.” He smiles even though Lisa can’t see it, and when she responds he knows that she’s smiling, too.

They talk about their days for a while. Apparently Garth is a yoga club member now. Dean tells her about their project and how it seems to be going well. Her project with Kevin is apparently going very well, too. Dean isn’t surprised. Kevin is ridiculously smart.

“So how did things go yesterday?” Lisa asks to avoid silence. She hates that. Someone’s always got to talk, and Dean doesn’t mind it.

“Same as usual. Everyone’s okay, but it was damn scary. Always is.” Chills go down his back. The scariest thing of all is the fact that he’s getting used to it.

Dean sees his house.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” Lisa says, and she sounds so compassionate. There’s _pity_ in her voice. She has pity on him, Dean Winchester, Lawrence High quarterback, and he freaking hates it. He’s a big boy. He can handle his crap. Pity’s never helped anyone.

“Yeah, don’t be,” he says, and it’s more abrupt and ruder than he means for it to be. He just doesn’t like it when people have pity on him, which is why people hardly know anything about him. Except for Lisa and Benny, that is.

“Anyway,” Lisa backtracks, voice light and forgiving. “About Saturday. I was thinking you could invite Castiel. He’s fairly new still, you know, doesn’t have a bunch of friends. It would be awkward if I asked, since I haven’t really talked to him or anything.”

And then Dean is reminded of why he’s dating Lisa, because she’s so incredibly nice and cares about everyone, like in the entire world. “I don’t know if he’s the party kind of guy-“

“Pretty please?” Lisa begs, and Dean can’t resist her.

“I’ll ask.”

He opens the entrance door and throws off his backpack. “Hello?” he yells, and nobody answers.

“Great!,” Lisa continues over the phone. “Say he can bring his friend, too. She seems nice.”

He goes up the stairs and toward his room. “You think the whole town’s nice, doesn’t mean you have to invite them all,” he laughs as he flops down onto the bed.

“Pretty please?” Lisa repeats, and Dean knows exactly which face she’s making on the other end of the line.

“Of course. Tomorrow.”

“Thank you. I love you.”

“Love you too, babe,” Dean says back, and he’s smiling.

“Alright Hannah’s here, so I have to go. Bye!”

Dean almost waves. Damn technology. “Bye!”

 

He’s really excited when he goes to school the next day. Benny looks at him weird, but doesn’t say anything. Once the bell saves him from English, he practically jumps out of his chair and more or less runs all the way to bio. He taps the desk until Castiel arrives annoyingly late (yet a couple minutes before class starts).

“Hey Cas?” Dean asks nervously.

Castiel takes his time to pull up his books before responding. “Yeah?”

“There’s this party this weekend,” Dean starts with hope in his voice. “And I… Lisa, yeah because it’s her party, she wanted me to ask you to come. She said to bring Charlie, too.”

Castiel looks like he is really considering this. Dean fears that his heart will pound out of his chest.

“Lisa is your girlfriend, right?” Castiel asks, and he sounds weirdly hurt. Dean files that away as _purely my imagination_ . It’s a big file, and it has a quickly filling sub-folder titled _Castiel._

“Yeah. Oh you don’t even know who she is, do you? I forget that you’re new. She’s right there.” He turns around and points to Lisa right behind them, whom waves awkwardly. Kevin bites his lip next to her.

Cas waves to her and turns back. “I did know who she was, Dean.”

Dean smiles. “Well, good. You comin’?”

Cas considers this very thoroughly. “Why not,” he answers with a shrug.

Mission accomplished!

“Could you send me the address, maybe?” Cas asks nervously.

“Sure, Cas, just give me your number after class,” Dean smiles.

 

Dean plays better at football practise that day than he’s done in a long time. Cas is there as usual, reading up in the bleachers, and he actually looks up from his book sometimes. In the end he’s put his book away entirely, and he stands up and cheers whenever someone gets points. It seems to Dean like the cheering and clapping is extra loud when it’s him who gains them points, but that’s probably just wishful thinking. Cas also claps randomly a couple times. He’s doesn’t really understand football.

“Winchester,” coach Shurley yells after practice, and Dean is suddenly anxious. Maybe he actually did terribly? Maybe he just really sucks at football now? He’s done pretty badly the last few practises, after all.

“Really great playing tonight, Dean! I like what I’m seeing. You’re gonna get far!” Chuck seems legit excited.

Dean smiles. “Appreciate it, coach.”

Then he goes to change. The night is spent marathoning Doctor Who with Sam.

On Saturday he texts Cas Lisa’s address along with a rough description (just to be safe), and he gets a happy emoticon and a “thanks” back. Benny comes over and they play world of warcraft until they have to leave for the party.

“Dad?” Dean yells as they come downstairs, and he gets a grumpy “what?” from the couch. “Can I borrow the impala?”

John just grunts again, so Dean grabs the keys and they get in the car.

“So I checked Castiel’s Facebook,” Benny says once they’re on the road.

“How do you know his last name? I didn’t think you even knew his first,” Dean argues.

“They told us on his first day. You didn’t pay attention, did you?”

Dean did pay attention that day, just not to what the teacher said about Cas, and more to the guy himself. But whatever. “Nope.”

“Well, anyway, I friended him and found something out.”

“Okay?” Dean asked, trying to cover up his curiosity.

“He’s gay. You’ve got a shot.”

“Dude!” Dean says angrily, and almost steers the impala off the road. “Shut up about the damn guy, would you? I’m not staring at him anymore, we’re simply… friends. And I’m still dating Lisa, in case you weren’t aware of the fact that we’re on our way to her house. Oh, and then we’ll get drunk and her and I will have some really rad, really straight sex. I’m not into Cas. Stop bringing him up as if I was!” He sighs angrily and focuses on the road, trying to calm down.

“Okay,” Benny says, and he’s clearly given up… for now, anyway.

 

The massive driveway outside of Lisa’s house is almost full by the time Dean and Benny gets there. They park and cross the bricked area. Beautiful bushes are nicely shaped by an expensive gardener. It surrounds the round driveway, and behind it is a massive, green garden. Dean’s spent a lot of time in it.

They walk up the marble steps and in huge doors. The party has definitely started. The whole house is filled with people, drinking and laughing. The music is on, loudly emitting through the massive loudspeakers in the living room. Dean loves those speakers. He goes inside and finds Lisa quickly. She’s on the couch with some of her friends. She stands up and kisses him hello. Dean takes her place on the couch and she climbs into his lap. Benny runs upstairs to talk to some guys from the football team.

Dean sees Castiel and Charlie walk past the doorway a couple of minutes later. “I’ll go say hi,” he smiles, and Lisa smiles back. “I’ll stay here. Say hi from me!”

Dean gets off the couch and into the hallway. He assumes they’ve gone into the kitchen, and he’s right. They’re seated in two chairs by the breakfast bar, already conversing with Garth.

Dean walks up across from Cas. “Hi,” he smiles over the counter.

“Hi.” Cas’ smile is big and happy.

“Lisa said to say hi from her.”

“Say hi back.”

“I will. So do you guys want something to drink?”

Cas looks uncertain, but Charlie nods enthusiastically. Dean smiles and hands them a beer each. Charlie immediately starts drinking, but Cas doesn’t even open his. Dean sits down next to him.

They chat for a while, and eventually Dean goes back to the living room. He passes the “hi” on to Lisa, and she laughs. She comes to the kitchen with him and starts talking to Charlie. Neither of them drink much. By the time Charlie’s on her third beer, Cas still hasn’t opened his first one. Dean’s only had a few sips of the one he shares with Lisa.

“Dorothy is hot, right?” Charlie slurs, interrupting their conversation. They all laugh, but nod understandingly. “Totally,” Dean smiles. He takes a few more sips, because Charlie is hella drunk and it seems fun.

“I’ll stay neutral on that,” Lisa laughs. “But she is very pretty indeed.”

Cas smiles. “Exactly what she said.”

Lisa looks confused for a second, but then understands. “Oh. Okay, that’s cool!”

Cas looks down awkwardly. “I have to use the bathroom,” he mumbles.

Lisa bites her lip. “Right up the hall, up the stairs, take a left and then a right, third door on the right side of the corridor across from the painting of-“ Lisa starts.

Dean shakes his head. “I’ll show you,” he smiles, and they wander off together.

The whole house shines. It’s really clean, filled with expensive paintings and big mirrors, marble and mahogany everywhere. Dean is used to it by now. Cas clearly isn’t. They stop outside of the nearest bathroom and Cas goes in, nodding a thanks.

 

Dean nods back and walks up the hall. The downstairs are busy. There are too many people and too many drinks and the music is loud. Wanting a break, Dean walks into Lisa’s room.

He sits down on her bed and looks out the window. It’s dark out, the stars shining brightly in the sky. He smiles slightly, and then he hears the door open.

“Oh, I didn’t know anyone was here,” Cas stutters. “I just wanted some quiet and-“

“Come sit, Cas,” Dean smiles and pats next to him on the bed.

The other boy does. They sit in silence for a while and then they start talking. At first it’s just about school, the science project. Then they move onto how moving was for Cas and Dean talks about his family, leaving out the bad parts. Cas mentions that he has many siblings, but that’s as much as he wants to say on the subject.

Eventually Dean can’t hold back anymore. “Who’s Sam? And Crowley?”

“It’s a really long story.”

Dean smiles reassuringly. “Those are the best ones.”


	5. Don't Let It Break Your Heart

Cas doesn’t even have time to start talking before the door slams open. “Dean,” an out-of-breath Benny exclaims. “Jeez, I’ve been looking all over for you! There’s something you need to see, Dean.” Dean stands up quickly, says a silent “sorry” to Cas, and follows Benny downstairs.

“What’s going on?” Dean asks.

“It’s your brother,” Benny says, and Dean sets up the speed.

 “What about him?”

Benny doesn’t answer, just leads Dean out the front door.

There’s clearly a party going on across the street. Dean is almost certain it’s the Moore’s place. One of them, Jessica, is in Sam’s class. “This is what you brought me over for? There’s a party across the street?” Dean asks.

“Look closer,” Benny says, and that’s when Dean sees it.

Sam is in the garden, furiously making out with Jessica and ridiculously drunk. He’s struggling to keep his balance and Jessica is holding him up, both of them more lust-filled than Dean though any fourteen year old should be.

He walks across the street, angrily pulling the two apart. “What the hell, Sam?” he asks.

Jessica looks away and takes a step back.

“I’m at a party, just like you are,” he says angrily.

“You don’t go to parties, Sam. Why?”

“Because Jess asked me, and I like her. That’s why.”

Dean can’t help but smile. “Okay, that’s cute and I totally support you, but why are you drunk as shit?”

Sam shrugs. “It’s nice. Makes me happy.”

“Alright, little bro, you’re coming over and you’re gonna stay at Lisa’s tonight. If dad finds out about this he’s gonna kill you. Say goodbye to your girlfriend.”

Sam just shakes his head and runs toward Lisa’s house. Dean shares an awkward smile with Jessica before following him.

 

“Sam, slow down!” he yells, because there are enough people in the house to lose Sam, and he’s pretty sure they have even more alcohol than there was at Jess’s.

The younger brother doesn’t listen, and Dean has to set up his speed.

“Is this about the depression thing?” Dean asks as he catches up with his brother in the foyer.

“Why do you care?” Sam just spits back. He almost stumbles.

The two of them go into the kitchen, where Charlie and Lisa are talking still.

“Dean, I thought you had been kidnapped or-“ Lisa started, then saw Sam next to her boyfriend. “What’s Sam doing here?”

“He was across the street, drunk off his ass and making out with some chick.”

“Guest room should be empty. Knock first, though, you never know.” She shudders.

“Thanks, Lisa.” He walks over and kisses her quickly, then takes Sam’s wrist and pulls him into the guest room two floors up.

“I’ll text dad and say you’re staying at Jody and Donna’s, alright? Sleep it off. You’ve got a painful morning ahead of you. And don’t even dare to leave this room. I’ll have everyone on watchout.”

Sam just nods and flops onto the bed.

“Night, Sam,” Dean says, and then he closes the door. He goes into Lisa’s room looking for Cas, but he’s not there, so he returns to Lisa and Charlie in the kitchen, only Charlie’s left too.

“Where’d Cas go?” he asks.

“Home,” she replies. She takes her hands and then gestures for him to sit next to her. Her face is worried, and now Dean is too.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“What did you do? Up there, with Cas?” She looks him right in the eye, expression pained.

The stool feels uncomfortable under him, and Dean kind of wants to break something. “Nothing, Lisa. We just talked. Promise.” He kisses her, but she pulls away.

“Dean, what you’re doing isn’t fair to him.”

Dean is getting mad. What the hell? Is he not allowed to talk to a dude? Shouldn’t Lisa only get jealous if it was a girl? He’s so confused. “What is it I’m doing, exactly?” he asks. He’s trying to keep calm.

“It’s obvious that you’re into him, okay? And I know you try to ignore it and all that because John has really done a number on you, but the truth is that you like Cas. I know it, and Benny knows it, but the worst thing of all is that Cas knows it too. Tell him. At least try. This isn’t good for any of us.”

At some point during Lisa’s speech Dean has grabbed a beer and started furiously chugging it. Now he puts it down. “Where do you guys get this shit from? Fucking hell, Lisa, I’m straight as a line and I love you, not Cas, but you, because I’ve dated you for two years and I’ve been in love with you for way longer than that and gay people don’t do that!” He starts counting silently, because he’s very mad and he doesn’t want to be like his dad. He can’t be.

“Dean, there’s this thing called bisexuality. You should look into it. I believe you loved me once, but I don’t think you do anymore. We need a break. If you come back in a couple months and you’re sure, entirely sure, I’ll take you back. I love you still. But I owe it to Cas, to you, to let you go for now. You do too.”

Now Dean just wants to cry, because what she’s doing is so good-hearted, so _her_ , yet his heart aches and he’s out of breath, and he feels like he can just see his whole world crumbling around him. He hasn’t been without Lisa in years; he doesn’t know life without her. And then he’s mad at Cas, and his emotions switch back and forth. He’s mad, he’s sad, he feels like crap and then he feels grateful and then he just wants to laugh sarcastically, so he does.

“I know that you think you’re doing the right thing and all, but you bloody aren’t. I’m going home now.” He starts to walk off.

“Do I have to remind you about your brother? He’s sleeping upstairs, you know.”

“Then I’ll bring him.” Dean spins around, toward the stairs.

“Don’t wake him! At least come get him in the morning!”

“Fine!” Dean says angrily, and then he spins around a final time. He runs out, past all the people, away from the music, away from everything, and then he spins around again because he needs alcohol and he heads right past Lisa once more. She looks at him worriedly, and then he’s outside.

He slams the door to the impala and breaks down crying, He turns the ignition, but he doesn’t drive yet, doesn’t drink either because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone when he’s eventually ready to drive and he’s slightly tipsy already. He just sits there, and once he’s out of tears he stares into thin air for he doesn’t know how long. Eventually he gets on the road, and he drives home. It’s the first time probably ever that he’s driven without music, but he’s not feeling it.

He parks the impala at home and goes inside. It’s not even that late, but it sure as hell feels like it. John and Mary are watching television, and they smile at Dean as he enters. They almost look like normal parents in a normal family. “Do you know where your brother is?” Mary asks casually. Clearly she isn’t worried.

“Donna and Jody asked him over, something about excess pizza. I think he’s staying the night.”

John grunts angrily when Dean says their names.

“Alright. How’s Lisa doing?”

“Good,” Dean stutters. “I’m gonna head to Benny’s real quick.”

“Dean, it’s pretty late and- wasn’t there a party? Isn’t Benny there? I didn’t see him come out of the car with you-”

Dean fucking left Benny at the party! This night is a disaster. He just heads outside anyway, ignoring the questions, and then he walk to the impala. He opens his phone, about to text Benny. There’s already a message.

**_Benny          10:54_ **

**Lisa told me, sry m8 I’ll get a ride with some1, don’t wrry abt me**

Dean shakes his head at the ridiculous texting, and then he grabs the beers and heads out to the woods behind their house. Why the hell did he bring beers? Why not the bottle of vodka or something?

He sits down, leaning towards a tree, and downs half a bottle right away, because alcohol is the only damn way he’s ever seen anyone deal with their problems. Fucking hell. Cas just had to come and screw everything up, with his gayness and attractiveness and kindness. Freaking Cas. He’s been there for like two months, and everything’s changed. Dean takes another chug.

“Goddammit,” he mumbles, and then he finishes the bottle and stands up. He crushes it against the tree and it feels good. He drinks up the other bottles as well, too fast, and he hasn’t had anything to eat or drink other than alcohol in a long time. He crushes the second bottle angrily, and then gets mad at himself for spreading glass around. Kids could step on it, or a dog.

He just can’t do anything right, can he? He picks up the worst of the pieces and buries them, angrily digging a hole by the tree. Once he’s done, he’s exhausted. He sits back down and grabs his phone.

**_To: Girlfriend_ **

**Screw you. You dunno whas best for me.**

Once it’s sent he feels better. His hands are shaky and clumsy, and he doesn’t notice the mistakes. He changes Lisa’s name to “pice of shit” and then decides to send another message.

**_To: Cas_ **

**Go fuck yourself,, you’re ruining everythng.**

Then he deletes the number. His head is spinning and buzzing.  He’s not even really drunk, just mad and hungry and sad. The grass is soft under him and it’s comfortable to lean on the tree. He can feel the soft nightly breeze on his face and the air filling with moisture.

He takes deep breaths. “Calm the fuck down,” he tells himself, and it works to a certain degree. He starts to relax slightly more and closes his eyes. More breathing. And then he becomes really calm, because he falls asleep, slightly drunk and really exhausted.

When he wakes up he knows nothing except for the fact that he feels like absolute shit. He blinks and squints. His back is sore and his neck is too. At first he has zero idea where he is. The sun shines brightly into his sensitive eyes. Then he sees the trees, and the ignorant bliss of the morning disappears. He suddenly remembers everything, and he wants to go back to sleep. Instead he checks the clock and gets up. He walks through the woods to Benny’s place, and then from there and home.

 

“Hey,” he says as he comes inside.

“Hey,” Mary replies cheerily. “I assume you stayed at Benny’s?”

“Yes,” he replies, and then he hears footsteps coming from the stairs.

John smiles, which is a bad sign. It’s more of a smirk, an evil smirk that Dean hates. A lot.

“Guess who just called?” he asks cheerfully.

Mary and Dean both just look at him.

“The female fags did.” He claps his hands together, and Dean wonders exactly how screwed up his dad really is. Also how drunk. He’s suddenly glad he hadn’t brought home anything stronger than a few beers yesterday.

“So I say _go to hell_ , because they will, right? And I say _get the boy back here, would ya_?”

Dean puts his head in his hand. Shit.

“So they say that there ain’t no boy, they ain’t seen none of ‘em since Sam visited with ya the other day.” He looks at Mary. “Says they dunno where he is.” His speech is slurred. Dean’s almost certain he hasn’t been quite this drunk in years.

And then John walks over and slaps Dean. It’s clumsy, and it doesn’t hurt much. Not physically. Somehow Dean wants to cry still, because every time John gets slightly better he thinks that things will be okay, and then they never are. It’s frustrating.

“Where’s your brother, you piece of shit?” John asks. His face is uncomfortably close to Dean’s. He can smell the alcohol, the scent strong.

“He’s at Lisa’s, okay?” Dean mumbles. He takes a step back. Mary walks in between them.

“What the hell is he doin’ there?” John slurs, but Mary leads Dean towards the door.

“Go get your brother, Dean,” she says.

“Not until Dad’s sobered up,” he replies bravely, because if he leaves now then Dad will probably hit his mom and he doesn’t want that. He can’t take any more guilt. Sam will be fine at Lisa’s for another while, but his parents alone and his dad like this… no. No, no, no.

“I’ll hit her if ya don’t leave,” John slurs, and then Dean’s out the door and in the impala and then he’s on the road. He’s way over the speed limit, desperate to get Sam and get back, to help his mom. It’s in moments like this he wants to drive the impala into a tree or something. Disappear. It’ not fair, having a father like John. Not at all.

He blasts Led Zeppelin, hoping to shut out his thoughts, just like he advised Cas the other day. Then he parks the car outside of Lisa’s and braces himself.


	6. Fallingforyou

He walks up the driveway and it’s long and large. He’s sort of used to it since he’s spent a considerable amount of time here over the past few years, but now it feels different, weird. Rather than feeling like something that’s partly his, something happy, it makes him think about money and family and Dad and all his crap. It makes him think about the fact that he misses Lisa already and it makes him think about Cas.

He walks and he knows that he should be running, because his parents are alone and John is drunk off his ass, and there’s nobody there to help out if anything happens. Yet somehow he doesn’t feel stressed. He just walks up the driveway and his mind is flooded with thoughts. He looks into the garden and he remembers.

Dean remembers kisses under the pear tree.

He remembers endless nights spent on the patio stargazing.

He remembers the smell of flowers in the spring and the soft layer of snow in the winter. He remembers everything, and it doesn’t hurt as much as he thought it would. He remembers everything, yet he’s weirdly okay with those memories being nothing more than memories now.

He opens the big doors. He never bothers to ring the bell when Lisa’s parents are out of town, which is way too often for her liking, but once he’s inside he thinks that maybe he should have. Things have changed, after all. “Lisa?” he tries.

“Kitchen,” she replies.

Dean is close to going over to give her a kiss. He almost just acts as if yesterday never happened, because it kind of feels like it didn’t. Damn, he wishes it hadn’t. It’s weird, standing there, keeping his distance. Then he remembers the text and he feels even worse.

He would apologize, but he’s himself, and therefore he just stands there awkwardly with a bad feeling in his chest.

“Your brother deals surprisingly well with his first hangover,” Lisa says casually, as if everything was just the way it always had been.

“Good for him. He’s got crap to deal with once he gets home anyway,” Dean mumbles. He studies the floor. It’s chequered, black and white, all shiny and expensive.

“Want to talk about it?” she asks.

Dean wants to yell. He wants to say: “I would’ve, but now you’ve broken up with me and things aren’t the same and I honestly think that everything’s going to hell.  I never fucking wanted to talk about shit anyways; it’s just something I did to make you feel good about yourself. Now I don’t have to think about your feelings anymore, because you don’t think about mine.” Instead he just shakes his head.

Sam walks into the room. He stands there and just looks at them for a second, and there are no sounds, nothing but quiet surrounding the tree. Then life catches up with Dean.

“Dad’s drunk, Sam, we gotta go or he’ll hurt mom.”

Sam more or less runs out, and Dean waves a quick goodbye and follows. Once in the car he turns the music back on. They drive in silence for a while, but then Sam turns down the sound.

“How drunk?” he asks anxiously, voice small enough to make Dean consider turning down the volume even more.

“Like several years ago drunk,” Dean responds apologetically.

Sam shakes his head a little. “Our lives bloody suck.”

Dean bites down on his lip, hard. “Ain’t nothin’ we can do about it, Sammy.”

Sam doesn’t bother to say against him.

“What’s up with you and Lisa?” Sam asks, and Dean realizes that he doesn’t know.

“We broke up,” he says weakly.

Sam laughs long and hard. He claps his hands together and clearly enjoys this ridiculous joke. Then he realises that Dean isn’t laughing with him and he sees the shadow over his brother’s face.

“Why?” he asks simply.

Dean’s not ready to explain. He probably won’t be, ever. What would he say? _She broke up because everyone thinks I’m gay. She broke up because she’s the kindest person on earth._ There’s the “she broke up because I’m a mess” variation, but he’s not wanting pity at the moment. He never wants pity.

He turns up the volume and hopes that Sam won’t ask again, even though he knows he will.

 

When they get home nobody’s hurt, and Dean silently thanks the Gods. John and Mary are watching television. Mary looks uncomfortable. She’s pressed into his arms tightly, and Dean can only imagine what that’s like for her when his dad is like this.

“Where the fuck were you?” John yells at the television. It’s meant for Sam, though. He just can’t be bothered to turn around. 

Sam gives Dean a desperate look.

Dean just shrugs. He has no idea how to deal with this.

“I was at Lisa’s place, okay?” Sam mumbles.

“What the bloody hell where you doin’ there?” John yells, and he doesn’t just turn around this time. He jumps off the couch.

“I… I wanted to talk to Dean,” Sam continues, using hand movements as if it would make the lie sounds less like one.

“About what?” 

“About, uh, this cute girl,” he says, and his confidence is admirable.

“Damn, Dad, he’s in it too deep. This girl Jess Moore, she’s surprisingly decent looking-“ Dean chimes in, trying to save his brother from being seriously beaten up or anything as bad, but John interrupts him. 

“Doesn’t explain why you came back last night and he didn’t,” John growls.

“We were both gonna stay there, but then Lisa broke up with me, happy?” Dean yells. They’ve done a decent job at lying, he thinks. It’s not too far from the truth.

Mary stands up from the couch. “Dean, have you eaten anything today? I’ll make you some breakfast,” she smiles. She tries to pat her husband lovingly on the arm, but he slaps her hand away.

“I know you’re lying to me,” John mutters, and then he leaves them alone.

Sam breathes out for what feels like the first time in hours.

“This is why you don’t do shit you’re not allowed to, Sam. That was a close freaking call.” He joins Mary in the kitchen and leaves Sam stunned in the middle of the living room.

“So Lisa broke up, huh? Didn’t see that one coming,” Mary says.

“Rather not talk about it,” responds Dean. His phone vibrates in his pocket.

 

**_Unknown, 1:02pm_ **

**Glad you’re being honest, Dean.**

 

Benny comes over later that day with a tub of ice cream. They spend the day eating it and playing _Call of Duty_.

During the first half of school on Monday, Dean realises that Lisa’s plan to get him and Cas together has failed miserably. It’s most probably because of the text Dean had sent Sunday morning. Cas is blatantly ignoring him. He keeps it up for the next week, and the biology classes are living hell.

“Cas,” Dean begins the next Tuesday. Half the class has passed, and his partner hasn’t as much as looked at him.

Dean feels like shit. If Cas is going to ignore him for the rest of his life then so be it, but he at least needs to apologize! “I’m so so-“ he begins, but Cas just shakes his head.

“I didn’t mean-“

Cas looks at him. He turns fast and looks Dean right in the eye, and he’s actually pretty frightening, but Dean needs to do this.

Dean ignores the look. “I’m really so-“

“Dean, I don’t know what you want from me. Stop.” Castiel more or less hisses the words, and he stares right at Dean, eyes filled with anger yet calmness.

It hurts, and Dean wants so badly to spend the next half hour anywhere other than right there, right next to Cas. He hopes for something to happen, somebody to come save him. He feels so shitty and terrible and he hates himself more than ever, probably. Not only has he lost Lisa, but he’s lost Cas too. He tries to sit still, tries so hard to get his shit together. He can’t though, and he stands up and storms out before he’ll start crying or something stupid like that.

 

“Dean, where are you going?” Mrs Chandler yells after him, but he doesn’t stop, doesn’t turn around.

Dean just runs, because he has to get away from school and away from Cas. But then Cas comes after him and so none of that really happens. Dean stops, because there’s no point in having Cas chase him all the way home. At least he tells himself that’s the only reason he’s suddenly standing still.

“Dean, I’m sorry. I should have let you speak.”

Dean shakes his head. He’s facing away from the other boy. “No, _I’m_ sorry, Cas. I screwed up. I screwed up real bad. You have every right to hate me.”

Then they hear footsteps, and Dean pulls Cas with him into a nearby janitor’s closet. The space is small and they stand pressed together, their noses not even an inch apart. They’re entirely quiet until the footsteps outside disappear, and then they breathe out simultaneously.

“We should go back to cla-“ Dean begins, but it doesn’t seem he can say anything ever without being interrupted. The sounds of his voice disappears as Cas’s lips meet his hastily, and it feels so nice and warm and the other boy’s lips are so soft yet slightly chapped, and it makes all of Lisa’s kisses seem like nothing and – then there’s nothing. He feels cold and he’s left stunned and alone as the door opens and Cas runs out.

“Cas, stop!” Dean yells as he runs after him.

“I’m sorry,” Cas yells, still running.

“Don’t be!” Dean yells back. The bell rings and doors open, and shit Cas is almost getting away and it doesn’t help to yell anymore because it won’t be audible through the crowd.

Dean runs and runs and then they’re out the door and he sees Cas across the parking lot, and now he can yell because nobody’s here and with a smile on his face Dean yells out: “Come back, I wanna do it again!”

Cas turns toward him confusedly. “But Lisa?” he asks, and he starts walking towards Dean.

“We’re broken up,” Dean says quietly.

“Oh,” says Cas.

“So that we could be together,” Dean continues, motioning to him and Cas. “That’s why I sent that stupid text. Also because I was drunk off my ass.”

“Oh.”

Then people flood the parking lot and Dean has to get to football practise. He looks back once and sees Cas, still standing just where he’d been left, mouth slightly open.

“See ya,” he mouths, and then he runs off.

He does surprisingly well at football practise that day. He has well enough energy, for one, but also he’s just really happy. Maybe things are working out after all.

 

“You’re awfully happy,” Sam says in between mouthfuls during dinner.

 “Just been a good day, that’s all,” Dean responds. They have cheeseburgers, which make the day even better, as well as the fact that John seems to be acting somewhat decently. He’s not ridiculously drunk, anyway.

“Have you and Lisa made up yet?” John asks, and it’s not in a kind hearted way. It’s in a _you better have because you’re going to marry her_ kind of way.

“No,” Dean responds flatly. And there, as if the kiss had never happened, things are back to normal. What was he thinking? That he could be with a guy? Yeah, right. Great work, Dean. Just great.

“Then how’s it been a good day?” John says, and Dean takes back that whole thing about him being in a decent mood.

“Enjoying single life, I guess,” Dean says with an ironic smile. John only should’ve known that a couple hours earlier, Dean was kissing a boy. He would’ve disowned him within seconds. It would have been fun to take the time, figure out whether it would be in 2.4 seconds or 3 if he were slow.

The rest of the meal passes in silence, and Dean is internally beating himself up the entire time. Once they’re (minus Sam, who finished long ago) almost done eating, Mary’s phone rings.

“Hey, Jody,” she smiles.

John immediately gets up, sets his plate by the sink and walks downstairs. Sam looks as Dean as if he’s about to do the same, but he’s not.

“Barbeque? Yeah, that sounds fun! Fairly certain we’ll only be two as usual.“ Mary says.

“Mom,” Dean says half desperately, because guilt is washing over him at an intense speed. He’s been ignoring the couple because they are lesbian for over a year, and then it turns out that he’s gay - or, okay, bisexual – all this time.

Mary looks at him.

“Can I come?”

She smiles happily. “Dean wants to come to,” she says immediately. She talks for a few more minutes and then hangs up the phone.

“Help me wash up Dean, would you?”

 

He walks over, and Sam runs off to do homework or something. Dean doesn’t care. The boy never does anything interesting… except for parties, apparently.

“Why the sudden change of mind?” Mary asks as she hands Dean a plate to dry.

“I guess I let John get to me. I mean, it’s not like it’s a choice. It was unfair to judge them for it.”

Mary gives him a weird look, but doesn’t ask any further.

“You know that they have a foster kid now, right? I think you’ll like him. Think he’s about your age, actually. We talked to him for a bit last time, he’s very nice.”

Dean smiles. “I look forward to meeting him, then.”

“Listen, Dean. I didn’t want to tell Sam this because… I guess if things don’t work out, things might get worse for him.” She stops washing up and looks right at Dean.

His heart sinks.

“I’m attempting to divorce your father,” she says. She’s being quiet, making sure nobody will hear it, and Dean barely does himself. She smiles.

He smiles back.

“That’s great, Mom.” He hugs her tightly.

“I’m glad.”

“We leave for the barbeque tomorrow at five, alright?”

“Yep!” Dean more or less jumps up the stairs. Things seem to be working out, after all.


	7. Drive

Benny nudges Dean during lunch the next day. “Dude,” he says. “You gotta stop starin’ or people will notice!”

Dean doesn’t realise until then that he’s probably been staring at Castiel across the cafeteria for a good ten minutes. It’s not like Castiel hasn’t been doing the same, and now Lisa can’t blame him either. But, right. Quarterback. Straightness. He tries to stay attention to the others for a while. They’re talking about girls and football, currently the last two things on Dean’s mind.

“I gotta ask him something about bio,” Dean lies and stands up. He walks over toward Castiel’s table.

“Cas,” he says awkwardly, and both inhabitants of the table smile at him. “Charlie.”

“You wanna make out with him, don’t you?” Charlie asks. She looks kind of mad at first, but then breaks into laughter. “Go on, I’m not gonna stop you.”

Dean looks down awkwardly and Castiel stands up. They walk out and get some weird looks along the way, but nobody seems to care all too much.

 

They stop outside. “Where are we headed?” Castiel asks with a smirk.

Dean nods toward the janitor’s closet they were in yesterday, smirking too.

“Nah-uh.” Castiel takes Dean’s hand and drags him upstairs and into the biology classroom. The door is open, and nobody’s in there.

Dean looks at him questioningly.

“I have a deal with Mrs Chandler. I can do homework here whenever I want to, and she always has lunch downstairs, so we’re safe.”

Dean doesn’t bother to answer, just leans toward the other boy. Their lips meet again and it’s better this time, less hesitant.

Dean’s hand carefully cradles Cas’s face while Cas’s hands are in his hair. Dean keeps his eyes open, looking at the beautiful boy in front of him, whilst Cas’s are closed in enjoyment. Cas’s breathing is hitched, unsteady.

Dean’s tongue ventures into Cas’s mouth, mapping it out. Cas’s face is flustered and beautiful. They pull back and take deep breaths, observing each other and smiling. Cas’s eyes are so, so blue, so horribly, incredibly blue.

Then their lips meet again, noses almost crashing and they laugh. Cas hums happily into Dean’s mouth. Suddenly the door opens.

“Shit,” Dean says and looks toward the door, where Mrs Chandler stands with her arms crossed against her chest.

“Novak, Winchester,” she says strictly.

“I can explain,” Cas begins.

Dean’s mind is exploding. He imagines sitting in the principal’s office, imagines John’s face as he’s told that Dean was caught making out with someone in a classroom, someone not Lisa, someone a boy. Someone Cas. Lucky for him, Mrs Chandler just smiles.

“You’ve got five minutes.” Then she’s out, and the boys shrug and continue their make out session.

Dean’s practically glowing when he turns up in English and Benny smirks at him knowingly. Dean just shrugs at him, but he’s smiling.

 

Later that they, they arrive at Jody and Donna’s place just in time. The backyard is quickly filling up with people. “Dean,” Jody smiles, and both of the ladies hug him tightly.

He hugs back as tight. “I’ve missed you,” he smiles, and Donna replied with a laughing “ditto, little guy.”

They go into the garden. Bobby’s there, as well as his wife, Ellen, and his step-daughter, Jo. Dean hasn’t seen any of them since Christmas, and he receives another hug from Ellen as well as a clumsy fist bump from Jo and a pat on the back from Bobby.

He and Jo hangs out for a while, saying hi to everyone there. Channing and Kevin are there because they live nearby, and so is Kevin’s mother. They see Garth, too, and Ash. The smell of hamburgers fills the air, and it makes Dean incredibly happy, despite him having burgers for dinner the previous day as well. There are never enough burgers, he thinks to himself. And then he tells Jo just that, and she agrees wholeheartedly. Garth just grunts.

Dean is certain that it will be the best night in a long time. That is, until nobody but Cas himself comes out of the house. Dean looks at him confusedly. What is he doing here? Does his family live nearby? Then he realises that everyone else is here, and he still hasn’t been introduced to Donna and Jody’s foster kid. He then realises why Cas was so hesitant to talk about his family, and suddenly everything makes sense.

Cas sees Dean moments after Dean’s sees him. The difference is, Cas knew all along. He’s known since the party that Dean’s the one who never comes there because he’s homophobic as shit. Cas has known all along that John is a douche but that Mary is a great mother. He’s known mostly everything. He just didn’t know that Dean was coming.  

“Hello, Dean,” he says as he walks over to him and Jo, and Jo has to cough loudly for him to greet her, too.

“Didn’t think you two knew each other,” Jo says.

Dean chews his lip. “Science partners,” he says quickly. “Didn’t know you were Jody and Donna’s kid, though.”

“Third month as it,” Cas responds, then he coughs. “Hypocrite.”

Dean looks at him angrily, whilst Jo is merely confused.

Dean takes Cas by the hand, but angrily, not romantically, and drags him into the house.

 

“You’re not going to out me to the whole freakin’ family,” he hisses.

“I’m so sorry, Mr homophobic bisexual. You know, I knew all along, but I kept hoping that hey, maybe that douchey brother Sam keeps talking about is another one or something, but no. Do you know how much Jody and Donna have been talking about you? Every time Mary comes they hope that maybe you’ll come, and then it takes realising that you’re LGBT yourself to accept them. I was in a fucking catholic home for years, yet you’re the homophobic one here. How comes, Dean? How comes that every time I think something good about you, you screw up?” Cas is nearly yelling by the last sentence, and Dean is glad they closed the door behind them or everyone would have heard.

Dean’s left stunned. “Shit, Cas,” he just mumbles, but the other boy isn’t done.

“I knew from that first kiss that this was a mistake.”

Dean laughs. “That first kiss was yesterday, so you haven’t known for all too long, then, have you? And not visiting your foster parents, that’s what’s gonna ruin this relationship? I’m sorry, but that makes zero sense.”

“Being a douche for years, Dean, that’s what’s going to ruin this. You’re just a copy of your father, aren’t you? Can’t think on your bloody own.”

Dean still smiles. “You’ve bottled that up for a while, haven’t you?” Before the other boy has time to respond he opens the door and walks back to Jo, signalling, “he’s crazy” with his hands.

 

Cas doesn’t come back out until they’re about to eat, and he sits down at the opposite end of the table from Dean. They look at each other angrily the entire meal, and none of them enjoy it half as much as they should have.

Once they’ve eaten Dean catches up with Jo for a little while longer. They also say a couple words to Channing and Kevin, and Garth hangs out with them, too. Cas is sitting alone by the table, the adults sometimes giving him concerned looks.

“I dunno what you have against Castiel, but we’re gonna go talk to him,” Jo says and pulls Dean toward him. Garth follows.

“Hi, Castiel,” Jo says. All three of them sit down, Dean across from Cas with Garth next to him and Jo across from Garth. Dean looks at Cas regretfully.

“Hi, Jo, Garth,” Castiel responds as he’s purposefully avoiding Dean’s glare.

“Is there dessert?” Jo asks. She tries to laugh away the awkwardness, but to no success.

“Yes, soon,” Castiel simply answers. He’s plain serious.

“Is there cake?” Ash asks.

“No, pie.” His voice is monotone as ever.

Jo looks right at Dean. Ask about the pie, she thinks, but no. Both Cas and Dean are staring at the table.

“Are you two in a very big argument about this science project?” Jo asks with her eyebrows raised.

“We’re in an argument because _someone_ is a hypocrite.”

“It’s actually because _someone_ can’t keep secrets.”

Ash decides to come over just then.

“Hey guys,” he smiles, but he quickly realises how bad his timing is and starts to back away.

“Stay!” Jo hisses. “ _Someone_ should go inside and have a proper conversation.”

Dean and Cas glare at each other for a good while before simultaneously standing up and walking into the house. Dean is prepared to stop in the living room like they had previously, but Cas starts to go upstairs and Dean follows. They end up in Cas’s room with the door shut behind them.

 

“Cas,” Dean starts, but then angry lips are on his and he’s up against the wall and holy shit, it’s hot as hell. He kisses back as passionately, hands slipping under Cas’s shirt, tongues exploring all of each other’s mouths. Cas tastes so good and his skin is soft under his hand, and there’s so much to feel and explore and all anger has disappeared from Dean’s mind.

A content humming noise exits Dean’s mouth and he just can’t stop it. Then Cas pulls back to freaking laugh.

“Oh, come on!” Dean complains, and he leans back in.

“Talking first, Dean,” Cas says seriously.

Dean nods. That makes sense. (It’s not like it’s a tempting order of things, though.)

“I’m sorry I keep almost outing you. It was terribly tempting.”

Dean looks at him. “That’s your excuse?”

“Yes.”

“I feel like a freakin’ fifth grader doing this. Jo will probably lock us in here if we don’t though so-“

“Just get to it,” Cas complains.

“Okay, well, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m a hypocrite. I’ve always looked up to my dad, maybe unhealthily so. I’ve always hoped that he was better deep down, I guess. I’m sorry it took you to realise that I’m not straight, and I’m sorry it took that to not be a homophobe. Things have changed terribly fucking fast, and I’m kinda behind. Remember when we started dating? Right, that was yesterday, and we’ve already had a massive argument. So yeah, I suck and I’m an ass. Done.”

“Dean, you don’t suck, and you’re not an ass,” Cas says, taking a step closer. He smiles, and man has Dean fallen hard for the boy in front of him.

Then the door slams open. “Dessert!” Jody smiles. “Cas, I told you to keep the door open when there are boys in your room.”

“Sorry, Jody,” Cas says, but he blinks at Dean.

“Wait up, you don’t have to keep it open when there are girls in there?” Dean asks. Jody leaves.

“That’s how being gay works, Dean,” Cas laughs. Then he leans in close. “Guess yours should be open no matter who’s in there, huh?” he whispers.

“That was the third time today,” Dean hisses back angrily, but he can’t seem to stop smiling.

 

Dean and Cas join the others. The pie is the best thing Dean has tasted in a long time, and he makes sounds that make Cas’s jeans unfairly tight. At one point Cas grabs Dean’s hand under the table, and Dean immediately lets go in fear of someone seeing it, but he smiles and blushes furiously.

“So you made up, huh?” Jo asks.

 “We made up,” Dean smiles. Up _and_ out.

He decides to come to Jody and Donna’s (and Cas’s) place more often. It’s a shame he’s missed three months of this already.

 

It’s late when Dean, Sam and Mary are ready to go home.

“I still have homework,” Sam complains as he climbs into the back seat. “Doing this on a weekday was a bad idea.”

“Jeez, live a little,” Dean says, and Mary gives him a stern look before starting the car.

“Didn’t know you knew Cas,” Sam says.

“We’re science partners. Started talking, and he’s a nice guy,” Dean says with a shrug.

“Jody said you two were hitting it off well. She said you should come over someday,” Mary says.

Dean smiles. “I’ll probably take them up on that offer.” Then he looks to Sam in the back. “How are things with Jess?” he asks, not realising that the timing might symbolise something. Luckily nobody comments on it.

“We haven’t talked much,” Sam shrugs.

It’s a nice drive. Dean goes to bed once they get home, and he dreams about Cas.


	8. The End of All Things

Dean and Cas do well. They sneak out of lunch almost every day to make out, or talk, or just hang out. Mrs Chandler has pretty much given them make out-allowance in her classroom. They hang out in the woods after school and talk via text, and they’ve planned for Dean to come over the next week. Things are good – until they’re not.

It’s the last class they get on their biology project, and they smile happily at their finished work. They’ve dried the flowers they collected that first time in the woods, and around them is Cas’s beautiful handwriting.

“I think we’re gonna get a good grade on this,” Dean smiles, and he has to work really, really hard not to kiss the cocky smile off of his boyfriend’s mouth.

“I hope so,” Cas smiles.

Then the door to the classroom opens, and everyone looks at the principal expectantly.

“Winchester,” she says, and Dean’s heart sinks. He gives Cas a desperate look before standing up and walking toward the principal. She looks so worried and afraid and as they walk towards her office Dean keeps asking, “what’s going on? What’s happening?” He hasn’t just done something wrong; he knows it, something’s up, something bad. He’s right of course.

They sit down and she takes a painful amount of time before she starts talking. “Your brother,” she says. “He’s – he’s done something to himself. He’s in the hospital and he’s stable, but-“

“He tried to kill himself, didn’t he?” Dean sobs. He should’ve done something, fuck, he should’ve but he didn’t think it was that bad, he didn’t think Sam would do anything like that and _shit shit shit._

The principal nods sadly.

“I didn’t think it was that bad.” Dean swallows hard.

“None of us did,” she replies.

“Can I, can I go see him? He- he’s nearby, right?”

The principal nods once again. “Right up the block, Dean. You have the rest of the day off.”

“Thank you.” Dean stands up hurriedly.

 

He’s almost by the exit, ready to walk up to the hospital, when he really breaks. He manages to control himself to some degree until that moment, but then everything falls apart. He sobs helplessly and tears are streaming and he feels like a fuckup and a failure, but he needs Cas. He needs him and he knows it.

The shaking and crying mess that is Dean Winchester makes his way to Mrs Chandler’s classroom, and he knocks on the door weakly.

Mrs Chandler opens the door for him.

“Dean, what’s wrong?” she asks. She sounds compassionate and kind, and it just makes Dean fall apart even more.

“Can I-“ he cries. “Can you-“ The fucking words don’t want to leave his mouth. Shit. He ends up uttering a broken “Ca-ss,” and Mrs Chandler calls for him.

“Dean?” Cas asks, and then Dean’s in his arms and Mrs Chandler says that Cas is excused for the rest of the class and then she smiles at them sadly and closes the door.

“Sam’s in the hospital,” Dean sobs into Cas’s shoulder. “He hurt himself real bad and-“ His own sobs interrupt him.

Cas hugs him tighter. “Let’s go, Dean,” he says, and then he takes Dean’s hand to lead him out.

“But you have more classes,” Dean says pathetically.

“I’ll talk to the principal later. We have more important things to do now.”

And then the two leave the school, hand in hand and scared of what is to come.

 

Dean hates hospitals. They’re so huge and white and they smell like sanitizer and medicine. They walk in the doors and he squeezes Castiel’s hand even harder.

Castiel squeezes back. “Breathe, Dean,” he says, and Dean needs the reminder. “Just breathe.”

They go over to the desk where a woman in scrubs is sitting. Dean realises as she looks at him expectantly that he’s never asked to see anyone in a hospital before. What does he say?

“I’m Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester’s brother,” he ends up stuttering. “He should be here someplace, and ya know, I’d like to see him at possible, or my mom at least.”

The woman smiles kindly at him. “I don’t know if you can see your brother yet, but your mom should be up that hall.” She points to a long hallway to their left, and Dean drops Cas’s hand and more or less runs off.

Cas says a polite “thank you” before following his boyfriend.

 

The hallway feels as if it lasts forever. All the walls are the same colours, all the plants are as fake, all the art on the walls look the same and there are so many doors, too many. There are few people and it scares him. It feels abandoned. He walks and he walks and Cas catches up with him but Dean doesn’t even notice. Have to find mom. Have to find Sammy.

Finally he sees her and she’s crying. John sits next to her and looks like he couldn’t care less about anything going on. Mary stands up and hugs Dean tightly.

Cas feels like he shouldn’t be there. He’s interrupting. It’s too personal. Yeah, he should really go back, shouldn’t he? He still has class, after all.

He starts to back away, but suddenly Dean’s holding his hand and saying “stay” in a strict but broken way. Then he lets go of the hand really quick and stares at the floor in shame. John is there. Right.

Cas sits down on the bench two seats away from John.

“How is he?” Dean asks.

“He will be okay,” Mary responds as she wipes her tears. “Finding him,” she stutters. “Oh Dean, it was terrible.”

Dean sees the mental image of Sam in a puddle of blood, with a knife in his hand and a peaceful expression and it hurts.

Cas’s foot taps nervously.

“How’d he do it?” Dean asks even though he’s not sure if he’d like the answer.

“Pills.”

No blood, then. Dean’s glad, but he still can’t get the image out of his head. The long hair mussed and full of blood, eyes glassy. Shivers run down his back.

“It’s as bad as hanging himself. Not exactly a brave way to go, is it?” John laughs. “I mean, there are guns and knives and stuff, you know, somewhat honourable ways to go, but rope? Drugs?” He shakes his head.

Mary stares at him furiously.

Cas bites his lip, hard, and his leg is going up and down, up and down, up and down, clock on the wall going tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick. Up down, tick, tock, he tries to concentrate on it, find a rhythm, but then he’s up and walking down the hall.

Dean quickly follows and Mary is left stunned in the hall. She should have told Dean Cas’s story, she thinks. Maybe he wouldn’t have brought him there. But then she convinces herself that it’s not her story to tell.

Dean and Cas are on a bench behind the hospital. It’s secluded and silent, and Dean’s arms are wrapped around Cas tightly. It’s quite nice, really. There are lots of trees and a path and a small pond with ducks in it. You wouldn’t think you were sitting right by a place where thousands of people had died. Perhaps because thousands of people have been born there, too.

“I’m sorry,” Cas says. “You should be in there with your family. I should be holding you right now, not the other way around.”

Dean wipes one of Cas’s tears away with his thumb, softly, carefully. “Look, clearly something Dad said hit you in a bad spot, and it’s okay to be upset about those things. Sammy’s gonna be okay. I need to know that you will be, too. You don’t have to talk about it, not if you don’t want to. Just tell me you’ll be okay and mean it, please?”

“If you want me to tell you the whole story I will,” Cas almost whispers.

“If you want to,” Dean replies, and Cas leans into him even more.

“When I was a kid, I used to live here in Lawrence. I lived with all of my siblings and my mother, and it was nice. You know that big, white house up on the hill with the big oak outside?”

Dean nods. He does.

“That’s where we lived. I called the oak Frank,” he laughs. “Anyway, everything was just fine and dandy, until my mom hung herself, that is.”

Dean swallows. “I’m so sorry,” he says and plants a kiss to Cas’s head.

“That’s a long time ago.” Cas takes a breath. “I have a lot of siblings, and we were spread with the wind. They figured since I was small they could chuck me wherever, and I ended up in Iowa. Iowa was okay, you know? My foster parents didn’t like me and I didn’t like them. We had a mutual understanding. As long as they bought me books, I would shut up and they could ignore me. Of course eventually my foster mom got pregnant, so they decided that I was too much work.”

“How old were you then?”

“Lived there from I was four until I turned six. After that nobody cared to keep me for long. I always tried to be nice and quiet, and some of them even seemed to like me okay, but I guess there were just always more important things. I was always just shipped off, new home, new start. Then when I was twelve they decided that since nobody wanted me, they should place me in a children’s home.”

He laughs.

“One of those catholic places. They took us in to do God right, you know, funny story. Taking us in was important, didn’t matter if they treated us like crap because they would get to heaven for giving us a chance anyway-“

Dean’s phone vibrates just then. He looks at Cas apologetically and reads the message.

 

**_Mom, 2:02pm_ **

**Dean I’m glad that you’re talking it out, but I figured you would want to know that we can see Sam now.**

 

Dean stands up immediately. “I’m sorry Cas, I want to hear the rest but-“ he begins.

Cas smiles. “Go, Dean, spend some time with your brother. I’ll tell you the rest another time.”

They kiss one last time and then Dean’s off. 

 

The hallway feels even longer this time. John’s sitting just where he was earlier, and he looks at Dean suspiciously but doesn’t say anything. Instead he points to a door across the hall.

Dean takes a deep breath before opening the door.

Sam’s asleep, and Mary’s in a chair next to his bed, holding his hand. “Hi, Dean,” she says.

“Hi, Mom.” He walks over and stands next to her, a consoling hand on her shoulder.

“Is Castiel okay?” she asks.

“He will be,” Dean replies.

They stay there for a while, just looking at Sam, and then he opens his eyes. Mary cries and Dean almost does too (okay so maybe he does, but he refuses to admit that,) and they sit and talk for a while. Eventually John comes in too, and it feels like family. Everyone gathered around Sam’s bed, Sam tired but still cracking jokes.

Dean has so many questions. “Why did you do it?” He wants to ask. “Why were you planning to leave me alone in this craphole of a world? Why didn’t you tell us how bad it was? Do you know that if you would have, we’d try to help?” He wants to ask all those questions and more, but he decides to save them for later.

Instead he worries about what’s coming next. His worries are totally reasonable at first. How are they going to help him? What’s going to happen? But then he gets distracted, and what are we doing about Sam turns into what are we doing about John. Sad thoughts about his brother and father turn into happy thoughts about Cas, and then worries about Cas, and then sad thoughts about Cas. Suddenly it’s all Cas.

Sam falls asleep around dinnertime and a doctor politely tells them to leave the room for a while. They sit down on the bench again.

“You should go home, Dean,” Mary says. “You’ve had a long day. Do your homework, head to bed. Sam will be okay.”

Dean looks at her. “I don’t wanna go home,” he says. “It’s too quiet and empty.”

“How about Benny’s place?”

Dean nods. Sounds like a plan. He stands up to walk away, and then a loud beeping noise starts and suddenly there are people rushing in the door, into Sam’s room, and he’s pushed away and the world is just beep, beep, beep.


	9. Pity Party

Dean doesn’t even knock on the door – he bangs on it. His face is red and puffy and his eyes are sore. The tears have mixed with he rainwater and he hears the thunder and it’s loud, so loud his ears hurt but then everything hurts anyway so maybe it’s not because of the thunder. The door opens.

“Dean, what’s wrong?” Donna asks worriedly, and she gestures for him to go inside. He does, angrily trying to wipe away some of the tears.

“Is Cas here?” Dean asks, and Donna calls for him.

“Jody!” she then yells. “Hot chocolate! Lots of it!” She leads Dean to the couch and immediately wraps him in a fluffy blanket. “Dean, poor you, you’re soaked!”

“I ran here from the hospital,” he mumbles. He can hear the hot chocolate being made in the kitchen, and he knows that coming there was the right choice.

Cas shows up in the stairs, and the moment he sees Dean he runs down and sits down next to him. “Can I?” he whispers, and Dean nods. Cas pushes away the blanket before shifting close and wrapping it around the both of them before wrapping his arms tightly around Dean, who hides his face in the slope of Castiel’s neck.

Donna goes into the kitchen.

 

Dean breathes in the smell of Cas, which is sweet and clean. They just sit there for a while, Dean drying and soaking up all of Cas’s body heat.

Eventually Donna and Jody enter, and Jody hands each of the boys a large mug of hot chocolate.

“Should we leave?” Donna asks, and Dean shakes his head.

“It’s okay, stay. It’s your living room.”

The women both sit.

“What happened?” Cas asks quietly.

“Have you told them about Sam?” Dean asks, nodding towards Donna and Jody.

“Yes, they know.”

“Okay, well, there were, uh, complications. I didn’t understand much of what the doctors said, but apparently not all the drugs were out of his system and he didn’t manage to throw up properly and I think he choked on it or something, and there was a lot of beeping and a lot of doctors and we didn’t know what was happening and it really sucked. Shit, I was so scared.” He swallows. “They say he’s stable again but uh… my dad refused to let me stay at the hospital and he was gonna take me home so I just ran off and now I’m here.”

Cas squeezes him even tighter and Dean buries his head in his neck again. He’s so lucky to have him.

“I think Mary would like to know where you are, Dean,” Jody says. “Should I call her?”

Dean nods.

She walks out.

“Sam will be okay, Dean. They won’t let him die.” Cas hugs him even tighter.

“I know,” Dean responds, but it’s muffled. He leans away.

“You never told me that you’ll be okay,” Dean says.

Cas smiles. “I will. Promise.”

Dean leans in and kisses him. It’s a quick kiss, because Donna’s still there after all, but she smiles.

Once it’s over Dean yawns and takes a large sip of his chocolate.

“I’m sure you boys are very tired. It’s getting late, and you’ve both had long days,” Donna says. As if her brain is synced with Jody’s, Jody comes in just then.

“You can stay the night, Dean. There’s a guest room, but I’m guessing you’d rather not use it,” Jody smiles.

Dean smiles back. How did he live over a year without seeing these amazing people? He decides it’s time for an apology. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t have let Dad get to me. It was messed up.”

Donna smiles. “You’re forgiven, Dean.”

Jody claps her hands together. “Bed, boys. There’s an extra toothbrush in the bathroom and condoms in the drawer.”

Dean and Cas stumble off the couch laughing.

 

“You’re so lucky to be living here,” Dean says around the toothbrush in his mouth.

Cas spits. “I am,” he smiles. “My moms are the best, ten out of ten.”

“Not even nine and three quarters?” Dean jokes, and it almost results in toothpaste ending everywhere.

“Not even nine and three quarters.”

“Am I the best?”

“Ten out of ten. Not even nine and three quarters. How about me?”

Dean finishes up brushing and then smiles largely. “Ditto.”

 

Once in Cas’s room Dean strips down to his boxers. Cas stayed behind to take out his contacts, and when he comes in Dean is smirking at the end of the bed. “Go on, change.”

Cas smirks back and undresses. Dean is slightly overwhelmed by the beauty of the boy in front of him. His shoulder blades are sharp and visible, and his stomach is just the perfect amount of chubby. Eventually Cas is just in his boxers too, and he climbs into bed.

“You’re so beautiful,” Dean says, dragging Cas into a long kiss.

“You are, too,” Cas smiles against Dean’s lips.

Dean pulls away. “As much as I would love to try those condoms in your drawer,” Dean laughs, “I am utterly exhausted.”

Cas smiles and turns off the lights before they climb under the covers, shuffling as close as they can and embracing each other.

“Good night, Dean,” Cas whispers.

“Sleep tight, Cas.”

Dean hardly ever slept with Lisa like this. If they did it would be after sex, and it would be different. Dean feels so content and good, despite how awful the day has been, and Castiel’s embrace makes him feel safe.

Dean is asleep by the time Cas whispers back. “For once, I think I will.”

 

Dean wakes up in the morning and panics. Beep, beep, beep. He can’t move, he’s held, strong arms are around him and the light is so bright and the roof isn’t the one in his room. He fights to get out of the grip and the person lets go. It takes Cas going “Dean. Dean, relax, it’s just me,” for Dean to realize where he is. “Fuck. I’m sorry, Cas,” he says and moves closer again, demanding the warm arms around him once again. When Cas refuses, he tries to move the other’s hands, but it doesn’t work.

“We have to leave for school in like fifteen minutes, Dean,” Cas says with a yawn.

“Do you have to go to school the day after the dramatic hospitalization of a close family member?” Dean asks tiredly.

“Even if you don’t, I still have school.”

That’s when the door slams open. “Mornin’ boys,” Donna smiles brightly. Jody is right behind her, arms around the other woman and a big smile on her face.

“Mornin’,” Dean and Cas respond at the same time.

“You’ve both got the day off if you wanna, we can talk to the school,” Jody says.

“Are you sure that’s okay?”

“You never call in sick, Castiel, even though you have more than enough reason to stay home every now and again. Relax, talk, distract Dean in whichever way you want to.”

“Thanks, moms,” Cas smiles, and he wraps his arms around the boy next to him, resulting in a happy, yet muffled, sound from a very tired Dean.

Jody and Donna smile and close the door, and Dean and Cas both go back to sleep more or less immediately.

When Dean wakes up the second time, no arms are around him. Instead he can smell bacon. Smoke, too, but mostly bacon.

“Breakfast,” Cas smiles. He’s sitting on the bed next to Dean, and two plates of eggs and bacon are in front of him. The bacon does look slightly burnt as the smell suggested, but it looks good none of the less, and Dean is starving.

“Thank you.” Dean sloppily kisses Cas before picking up his food. It’s… edible.

“I never finished telling you about everything,” Cas said. “Wanna hear some more?”

Dean nods. His mouth is full of food.

“I was on the catholic part, right?”

Another nod.

“So this place had rules. Girls and guys were not supposed to share rooms. However, they ran out of space in the girls’ dorms and I didn’t have a roommate, so that’s how I ended up sharing a room with Meg.” He swallows. “My head has always been…” He thinks for a second. “Really loud, I guess. I think too much. One night it was really late, I think I was twelve at the time, almost thirteen. Meg suddenly climbed into my bed, and she asked me whether I wanted some help getting out of your head, so I said yes. You probably get what happened next.”

“Yeah, Cas. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I mean, it’s not like I particularly liked it, but she was right, it really did keep my thoughts away. There was a thrill to it, too, doing it in a catholic home.” He laughs a little. “We shared the room for a year and a half. Eventually she got moved somewhere, dunno where, and soon after I ended up in another foster home. So I was fourteen and lived with this guy named Crowley. He wasn’t a particularly good guy, I guess. I missed Meg because my thoughts were all over the place. It got, uh, pretty dark.”

Dean has finished his breakfast, and Cas has stopped talking to have some more of his.

“We’ve talked so much about me. I want to hear your story, too.”

“You already know it,” Dean protests.

“Not everything.”

Dean’s not sure how much Castiel knows, but he doesn’t care much at the moment. He’s just so curious. “Tell me a little more, please? And then I’ll tell you.”

Cas shrugs. “A little. Dark, yeah, so I wanted to kill myself. Nobody loves me, all that jazz. Of course I didn’t, because mom did and I’d always had such a grudge against her for that, so I refused to sink that low. Then I found an alternative to Meg that helped even more. I’d go to bars and do it in backrooms and bathrooms, and uh you know, I did that a lot.” He stops. “I don’t even know why the hell I’m telling you this.”

“Because I’m curious.”

“I’m sure you don’t care for this, like at all. It’s way too detailed. Shit, I’m pretty sure your intentions weren’t an insight into my early sex life. My people skills are rusty.”

“Cas,” Dean says, leaning in for a kiss. “You’re telling me this because you need to tell someone, and because I’m curious and I want to know, because I don’t want you to get any dark thoughts again, okay?”

Cas calms down. “Okay. But now I want to hear about you.”

“What do ya wanna hear?” Dean asks.

“What’s the worst thing your dad’s ever done to you?”

“The way he is to Sammy, probably. Pretty sure his shithead behaviour is like 80 per cent of the reason my brother’s hospitalized right now. Also that time when I was thirteen and had to drive Mom to the hospital whilst trying to make sure she wasn’t bleeding to death. That wasn’t any fun.”

This time Cas is the one to kiss Dean. “See?”

“See what?”

“I’m not the only one who needs to tell someone stuff. I’m sorry to tell you, but I think you might be a little messed up, too.”

“You’re not messed up!”

“You are!”

Dean looks down. “Guess you’re right. We both are. I wanna talk about something else, though.”

Cas hugs him tightly, and it feels nice and soft and warm.

“How about we watch a movie?” he says right by Dean’s ear.

“Yes, please. Anything to stay here.”

“Didn’t know you were such a cuddler,” Cas laughs.

Dean can feel it, the vibrations. “Happens to you when you spend two years dating a girl,” he laughs back, but there’s no bitterness in his voice. Despite everything that’s going on, he’s happy.

They both are.

Once the movie is over, Dean shows Castiel some of his favourite music.


	10. All That I Want

They go to visit Sam later that afternoon. He’s much more stable now, and Cas is allowed to come inside his room with Dean.

“Hey, Sammy,” Dean smiles.

His brother is clearly better, and he sits up in bed. They hug. “Hey Dean. Hey Cas.”

“Hi. How are you holding up?” Cas asks.

“Better, yeah. I’ll probably get to go home tomorrow. The drugs are out of my system, they didn’t do all too much damage, so I’m pretty much good.”

“Physically,” Dean confirms.

“Yeah. Not like they’ll fully let go.  There’ll be lots of therapy and drugs and stuff. Good times.”

Dean laughs. “Sure, bro. Have any ideas where the parents are at?”

“They’re having dinner. I’m sure they’ll be up soon.”

Dean nods. Cas looks at him, at his pretty face and the freckles and the greenest of green eyes, and his eyes rest on the other boy for just a second too long.

“You two have been bombarding me with questions, so I have one for you. You’re dating, aren’t you?”

Cas would gladly say yes, but he looks to Dean. This isn’t his decision to make.

“Sam, I think you’re still a little drugged up,” Dean just laughs. It’s forced, however, and it changes the mood.

“Dean?” Sam asks weakly.

“Yes?”

“I’m really sorry. I was thoughtless and selfish. I know that I sent you through hell yesterday, twice, even-“

“What sent you over the edge?” Dean interrupts, and his face is hard, demanding.

“What?”

“What made you do it just then? What happened that day?” Dean’s angry because he has the right to be, because now he knows that Sam’s alive enough to handle it.

“I’ll wait outside,” Cas says, and Dean’s eyes beg him to stay. Instead Cas leans in. “This is personal for your brother, too, and I think he would prefer it if I leave. I will be right outside, promise,” he whispers.

Dean nods slowly. He sits down in the chair next to Sam’s bed.

Cas shuts the door behind him.

 

“I was in class, and we were supposed to work on our own. At first I did, I worked. At one point my mind just refused to cooperate. It kept telling me that since I didn’t manage to work just then my grades would go down, and that everyone hated me, and… you know. The stuff. I said that I was sick and I was sent home. Of course Dad was home.”

“He wasn’t at work?”

“Dean, he never works. Like ever. I wouldn’t know if he lost his job weeks ago.”

“Okay, continue.”

“He asked me why I was home, and I just said I was sick. Of course he saw right through me and started telling me a good amount of bad things, which, of course, went straight to my already depressed brain. Like more than normal. Then he kept comparing us and then he beat me-“

“He hasn’t done that in years!”

“Guess he felt he had a reason to. Anyway, I went and locked myself in my room, and he kept knocking but he gave up eventually. I went into the bathroom and I collected everything I could find, and then I just swallowed it all and laid down. That’s it.”

Dean’s leg is tapping again. “He kept comparing you to me, huh?”

“It’s not your fault, Dean.”

Dean smiles ironically. “Of course it’s my fault. It should’ve been me. In any somewhat functioning, half decent, other family, it would’ve been.  You’ve got the straight A’s. You’re the one who’s gonna make it anywhere in life. If I was honest with him he would be comparing us the other way around.”

“I repeat: it’s _not_ your fault.”

 

The door opens, and seeing John’s face makes Dean’s blood bubble. Sam’s right, almost anyway. This is Dean’s fault, he won’t change his mind on that, but mostly, mostly it’s John’s fault.

“Fuck you,” he says loudly, and then before the intense need to punch someone overwhelms him completely he leaves the room.

Cas is waiting, just like he promised.

“I hate John with every fiber of my being,” Dean says in between gritted teeth.

“Me too,” Cas says, and then he walks away.

“Cas?” Dean asks, following quickly. “Where are we going?”

“I’m going, Dean. _I_.”

Dean is utterly confused. “What’s going on, Cas? Talk to me!”

Dean nearly jumps as Cas turns suddenly. He’s pissed.

“I hate John with every fiber of my being, too, Dean. Bloody fucking much.” Then he runs off, leaving Dean stunned in the hallway as he watches Cas run off.

 

Forty-eight hours later falls on a Sunday. Dean pulls his phone out of his pocket and stares at it. He’s called Castiel 26 times since he ran off at the hospital, yet Castiel hasn’t texted, called, or even hung up on him. Every time Dean tried, Cas’s phone would be ringing for ages, and the beeps would annoy the hell out of Dean, and in the end the stupid voice telling him that were was no answer would sound.

“Dean, I’m gonna take your fucking phone.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Okay, I’m not. However, I am going to tell you that since Castiel still hasn’t called back, he probably just needs time.”

Dean sighs and puts away both his phone and the controller in his hands. He flaps back on the bed. “I just don’t get it. I didn’t even do anything!”

Benny does the same thing. “Dean, he’ll call back eventually and you can figure things out.”

“I would get it if he hated me, but that’s not why, it’s something John said! I don’t even care, maybe he does hate me for no reason, but I wanna know if he’s okay, you know?”

“Okay first of all, you’re the most ridiculously overprotective boyfriend ever. Secondly, just call Jody and Donna. Problem solved.”

“Firstly, I’m pretty sure he needs it. Which, secondly, is why I’ve obviously called, but they just said that he’s okay and needs time.”

“Jeez, Dean! Then why are you wasting precious gaming time worrying about him?”

Dean stares at Benny angrily.

“Not like you can do anything to help anyway,” Benny shrugs.

“I thought you _shipped_ us,” Dean says ironically. “Would you watch us sink if that meant gaming?”

“Uh, well, yes. But listen. He won’t answer. He needs time. That means you have time, and you can spend that time being a sappy drama queen or you can play GTA like a boss. So what’s your choice?”

Dean sighs again and rolls his eyes. “Fine, fine.”

There’s a knock on the door. Dean sits up hurriedly. “Come on, Sammy! Get your ass in here before we start the game!”

The door opens slightly and Mary sticks her head in. “There’s someone at the door for you, Dean. Said her name was Charlie, I believe.”

 

Dean jumps off his bed and runs all the way to the door, almost falling in the slippery old stairs. He regains his balance quickly and hurries to the door. Charlie is standing inside. She’s nervously twirling her long, red hair. Benny comes and stands right behind Dean.

“Cas hasn’t been answering any of my calls,” she says.

“Mine neither! I just thought he was mad at me!” Dean is almost happy for a second, before he realizes how terrible these news actually are.

“What do we do?”

“I was thinking that I could track his phone’s GPS. Just figured I should check with you first, in case he’d spoken to you.”

Dean spots the computer in Charlie’s arms. “Come upstairs.” They hurry back up and cram into Dean’s small room, all sitting on the bed.

Dean leans close to Charlie, doing his best to see the screen.

Charlie works quickly, opening various programs and websites. It doesn’t take long before she has a map open, with a red mark in the middle of it.

“He’s at Gabriel’s place.”

“And Gabriel is who?”

“Oh, I thought you knew. One of his brothers.”

“Alright I’m following. Is Gabriel’s place good or bad?”

“I have a feeling that if they were just having a brotherly bonding weekend, Cas would’ve responded to our calls or at least texted us to tell us he was okay.”

A light bulb appears over Dean’s head. “Does this have anything to do with Crowley or Samandriel? He’s in Iowa, isn’t he?”

“Crowley?” Charlie asks, and she almost sounds desperate. “Who’s Crowley?”

Dean shrugs angrily. “I wish I knew! I think he might have been a foster parent of some kind, there was a text from Gabriel once, I wish I could remember it-“

Charlie is already typing away on the keyboard, accessing registers of foster parents. Dean shuts his eyes. He refuses to accidentally read something more than absolutely necessary. He wants to wait for Cas to tell him everything when he is ready.

“You’re right, Dean. Crowley lives just a couple of blocks away from Gabriel. But, uh, Cas was taken away from him because of-“ she swallows. “It says physical injuries.” 

“What do we do?” Dean says. “What the hell do we do? Iowa City is hours away, and even if we could go we don’t have a car. I really doubt Dad is in the mood to let me borrow the impala right now.”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know,” Charlie says.

Dean starts pacing the wooden floor nervously. Charlie’s leg goes up and down, up and down, nervousness filling her whole body.

Benny’s the only one remotely put together. “We do nothing.”

The two others stare at him blankly.

 

“This could all be coincidental. Cas probably just went to visit his brother, whom randomly lives close to his ex foster parent, and he got hurt a whole lot while living there because he went skateboarding too much or something, and now his phone is out of battery. There are so many reasons that make so much more sense than what you guys are saying.”

Dean and Charlie just keep staring. Dean wants to laugh because he can’t imagine Cas skateboarding, but he doesn’t.

“Listen up. We go to school tomorrow. If he’s not there, we’ll head out to Iowa after school, okay? I’m sure he’s fine.”

Dean takes a deep breath. Benny’s right, he tries to convince himself. Cas will be fine. Cas is fine. Dad reminded him of his mom and he wanted to go see his brother. That’s all. Breathe. “Okay,” he hears himself say.

Charlie shakes her head angrily. “This is Cas we’re talking about! He would borrow his brother’s phone or something!”

“Charlie, listen. It’s a five-hour drive! Even if we got there really late tonight and Cas was in danger, we wouldn’t be able to help him.”

Charlie hates Benny for it, but he’s right. “Fine,” she sighs. “We wait until tomorrow.” She stands up to leave, her computer in her hands.

“Wanna stay?” Dean asks. “Don’t think I’ll be able to get much sleep tonight.”

Charlie nods. She borrows one of Dean’s t-shirts and Benny stays too, and they all squeeze into Dean’s bed and watch the x-files for most of the night.

“Dean?” Charlie whispers early in the morning, just a couple of hours before they’ll have to get up.

“Yes?” he whispers back, still awake because of worrying, but really tired.

“Do you think he’ll be okay?” she asks.

Dean honestly has no idea. It doesn’t really feel like it, but he hopes he will. He hopes with all he has that his gut is wrong, and so he answers “yes” and falls asleep.


	11. Since I've Been Loving You

Monday is living hell. Cas isn’t at school, and Dean finds it impossible to pay attention. One of his teachers even asks if he’s okay after class, probably because his gaze has constantly been flickering between his phone, the clock and the floor all class. He’s says everything is fine because he doesn’t want to risk Cas getting into trouble, and also because he doesn’t want pity.

During lunch on Mondays they usually go up to Mrs Chandler’s classroom, just the two of them, but that obviously doesn’t happen. Instead Dean sits at his usual table between Dick and Benny, however, his eyes stay at Charlie the whole time, just in case Cas contacts her.

“Dean? You there, or?” Dick’s voice is loud, right by his ear, and Dean sighs.

“Am now. What’s up?”

“Party, my house, Saturday. Lots of chicks and alcohol. It’s time to get over Lisa, don’t you think?” Dick smirks.

If only he knew. Dean doesn’t understand how none of them have gotten it yet. Dean and Cas have been hanging out 24/7 for weeks now, constantly sitting a little too close and whispering and even holding hands under the table. Yet nobody knows, except for Benny and Charlie and Jody and Donna and Sam. It scares Dean how quickly that list is growing. At least Dick doesn’t know.

“Uh, yeah, I guess.”

“You guess you’ll come? Oh and bring the nerdy kid with you.”

“You want me to bring Cas?”

“Cas, Cassiel, whatever.”

Dean thinks for a second. “I don’t think I’m coming, so I won’t.”

Dick gives him a weird look. “Okay then.”

Dean doesn’t like this gang anymore. He’s thinking he’ll just ditch them and hang out with Charlie and Castiel full time – if he comes back, that is. _He will_ , he tells himself. Hopefully Benny will join his new squad.

The conversation goes back to computer games and complaining over teachers, both of which are things Dean usually likes to talk about, but he zones back out, eyes locked on Charlie. She’s looking right back, worry filling her eyes. It’s visible all the way across the cafeteria. Dean swallows. Benny gave him a certain hope the night before, but it’s fading.

Dean looks at the white table and the hard dark benches and the banner for the basketball team in the back of the room. He looks into the grey roof, and then back to Charlie, and then to the drama table and back to Charlie again. Dean closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Cas better fucking be okay.

 

It takes a while before he notices that everyone else has stood up and that they’re all ready to head to class. Dean scrambles off the bench himself, almost stumbling as he’s still looking at Charlie. She shakes her head sadly: no news. He nods and follows the others.

On his way out of the cafeteria Dean hears a small giggle and a caught from behind. He turns around to see Jess Moore and a couple other girls standing around her. “Dean?” she asks.

“Yeah, Jess?”

“Is Sam okay? When will he be back?” she asks nervously. Clearly she wasn’t the one to giggle, because she looks about as worried about Sam as Dean is about Cas.

“He’s fine. And I’m not sure yet, why don’t you ask him yourself?”

“I wanted to, but I’m not sure how. I don’t have Facebook or anything so-“ she stares at the floor.

Dean smiles. She’s so into Sam, it’s adorable and terribly gross at the same time. “Alright, if you hand me your phone I can give you his number.”

“Really?” she says excitedly. “Sure he won’t mind?”

“Oh he will, he’ll be really mad at me. But what are big brothers for, hey?”

Jess blushes and hands Dean her phone.

Dean types in Sam’s number, fakes a smile and runs off to catch up with the others before their next class.

 

Dean’s last class that Monday is geography, and his phone chimes loudly mid-class. The teacher stares at him really angrily. “I’m so sorry, but it’s super important. Can I go take it? I promise I’ll explain after class!” Dean tries desperately, because the screen reads Jody and she probably has news about Cas. He almost thinks that he’ll get to go, because for all the teacher knows someone could be dead or something – oh shit, if Cas is dead, Dean thinks, if Cas is dead he doesn’t know what he’ll do. The teacher shakes his head. “Call back after class, Winchester. Now, how do we measure earthquakes?”

Dean couldn’t have possibly been feeling worse after class. He runs out once the bell calls, and calls Jody back before he’s even out of the classroom. The phone rings and rings, and he’s getting more anxious every second. Eventually, he hears a “Dean!” from the other side of the line.

“Jody! Why’d you call? Any news on Cas?” He’s talking quickly and his voice is shaky, and he’s desperate for air and almost running people down as he hurries out of the building.

“He left a note under his pillow, and it’s not like it’s a natural place to look, so we didn’t find it until now. It says for Dean on it-“

“Open it. Read it to me.”

“Don’t you think it’s better if you come and read it for yourself-“ she starts, but Dean interrupts.

“If he’s in danger, Jody – I’m not losing that time. Read it.”

He can hear Jody taking a deep breath and the sound of paper being unfolded.

“ _For Dean_ ,” she reads. “ _I know that you’ll worry. Don’t. I don’t know when I’ll be back but I will be, hopefully with Samandriel. I’ll tell you the rest when I get back. Please tell the others I’ll be okay._ ” Jody stops.

“That’s it?” Dean asks, not sure what to think yet.

“No.”

“What does it say?”

“ _I love you_.”

Dean swallows hard. Shit. “Thanks, Jody.”

“Yeah, of course. Bye, Dean.”

Dean is about to hang up, but then changes his mind. “Are you looking for him?”

“Yeah, Dean. We are.”

“I uh, I think I know where he is. We were going to tell you now, and then head out, too, ‘cuz we thought he was in danger.”

“Okay. I just think we’ll have to trust him for now, but if he stays away for much longer I’ll call and ask you, okay?”

Dean nods and hangs up. Should he have told Jody more? He would have, but Cas did say he would be okay. Dean decides he’ll have to take his boyfriend’s word for it, for a while anyway. He runs to find Charlie and Benny.

Without a long trip to Iowa City, the rest of the day is quiet. In fact, the rest of the week is quiet. Cas sends a text to Donna on Wednesday, confirming that he’s fine and that he’ll be back soon. Dean is disappointed when he finds out. He kind of wants them to go look for him, but they won’t as long as Cas tells them not to and proves that he’s okay.

 

The next Monday, however, is not quiet. When Dean comes home from school the rest of the family is in a middle of a yelling match. He goes into the living room in silence, listening to the argument.

“You do nothing good for this family! You just yell and get drunk!” Sam yells.

“I make you money!” John yells back.

“You gamble online from the basement! Since when does that make money? You bet way more than you lose!”

“I’m trying to get another job! To support this family!”

“Well guess what? Mom is doing that just fine on her own!”

“You get money from my family business!”

“It’s grandpa’s and we’ll still get them if you leave. He hates you anyway.” Sam’s stopped yelling. He’s quiet, spiteful, and honest. Dean can feel the tension, and he knows that Sam’s reached through. He’s hurt John. And then John decides to hurt back. Dean supposes he’s given up on words.

The first hit comes quickly, and Dean immediately runs up to get between them, and so does Mary. John is strong though. He’s strong and drunk and angry, and he gets in way too many hits before they manage to push him back.

Dean sees the vision he feared at the hospital: his brother in a pool of blood. “It’s gonna be okay,” he says, just as much for himself as the others. “We’ll be fine.”

John has disappeared into the basement again, and Dean and Mary get Sam into the impala. Dean drives them to the hospital.

“He fell and hit his head on the armrest of the couch,” Mary says. “That’s the story.”

They’ve been through this before, but it’s been years since last time, and it was mostly Dean in Sam’s position back then, beaten up and bloody.

Dean and Mary wait nervously in the hospital hall for the second time in a short time. Eventually Sam comes out. His face is all cleaned up. It’s bruised, and there are little cuts, band aids here and there, but no blood.

“I have a bruised rib, but otherwise I’m fine,” he says. Dean knows his brother, and there’s something he’s not telling them, but Dean lets it go. He drives them back home.

 

Being in bed is weird because he has time to think again. He’s been thinking a lot, mostly about Cas, whom loves him. Of course Dean loves him back. He just feels like absolute crap. He’s so desperate for Cas to come back. It’s not just because he misses him – because he does, like hell – but it’s not really knowing what what happening. If he knew that his boyfriend was on a peaceful vacation with his foster moms he wouldn’t mind, but this isn’t that. He is worried. Really worried.

He is worried about Sam, too. The physical injuries aren’t been as bad as they’d feared, which is good. Dean knows though. He knows that even though Sam laughed it off, John getting that violent must’ve triggered something, made things worse somehow. He will just have to hope and pray that Sam won’t end up trying to kill himself again.

If that’s too much to wish for, he at least hopes that he won’t manage it. And that Cas will come back soon. Those are his two wishes.

His phone makes a noise.


	12. Here Comes the Sun

The familiar scent of Cas must be the best smell in the entire world. Dean squeezes his boyfriend tight, eyes closed, just taking everything in.

Cas hugs back just as hard. It’s clearly a much-needed hug.

“Shit, I was so worried,” Dean says, feeling like some overly-dramatic mother or something.

“I know, I’m really sorry, I just needed to do this.”

Dean lets go and kisses Cas on the lips. “Can you tell me about it?”

“Go get a coat,” Cas smiles.

Dean hurries inside, careful to be quiet because it’s late. He decides to grab a big blanket rather than a coat, and then he goes back out, Cas waiting for him.

They walk into the woods and sit down; leaning on the tree Dean leaned on after the breakup with Lisa. He wraps them both in the blanket and Cas rests his head on Dean’s shoulder.

“Crowley treated me like crap. He’d get violent, and he’d beat me a lot. And he also did, you know, sexual stuff. That’s why I kept doing it with others, I think. To reclaim my body, in a way.” Castiel takes a deep breath.

“One of my teachers started noticing bruises. He tried for a long time to try to get me to admit it, but I didn’t break. Eventually he got the child services to come. They could never really get any evidence of him doing anything to me, but my teacher refused to give up, so they moved me around more. Nothing interesting happened, I ended up here. You know the rest.”

Dean kisses Castiel’s temple. “Now the stuff that happened this week.”

“Right. Gabriel, as in one of my brothers, texted me a couple of weeks back when we were up in the bleachers. He told me that Crowley had taken in Samandriel, our younger brother. I didn’t want him to go through what I went through, so we tried to talk to the social workers and stuff. They didn’t listen – not that we expected them to. Eventually Gabriel picked me up and we went out there ourselves.”

 

He pauses. The woods are dark and weirdly relaxing. Everything is so quiet this time of day, or night, really. Dean holds Castiel tighter, attempting to stay somewhat warm.

“We tried to make some sort of plan. Getting social workers to get in there while Crowley was – doing bad stuff. We struggled for days. Eventually we gave up and uh, kidnapped Samandriel.” Castiel laughed a little at that.

“You kidnapped your brother?” Dean couldn’t help but laugh himself.

“Yeah, and we drove him here, and now he’s at Jody and Donna’s and they’re taking care of it. I think, anyway. I just sort of ran off to get to you.”

Dean kisses Castiel. He’s missed him so much. The soft yet slightly chapped lips, the blue eyes, and the messy hair.

“If you kidnapped your brother then I can kidnap Baby. I kind of feel like they’d want us over there.”

They exchange another kiss before getting up. Dean goes in to put the blanket back and grab the keys to the impala, and then they’re on their way.

 

Gabriel is short, with sand-coloured hair. He’s skinny and probably a couple years older than Castiel.

Samandriel is around Sam’s age. Dean guesses 15. He has short light hair.

Dean is surprised when he feels Castiel’s lips on his. It’s weird, because Castiel’s siblings are right there. Dean had been uncomfortable with Sam even asking whether he and Cas were dating, opposite of Cas whose arm is casually slung around Dean’s waist.

“So,” Cas says, and as okay as he had seemed previously, his voice is nervous and shaky.

Dean takes Castiel’s hand, squeezing it tightly in a hope of comforting him.

“Samandriel won’t go back to Crowley’s. That’s mostly what we know. There’s police over there now, and we’ll take it to court even if there’s no evidence.” Jody comes over and Castiel lets go of Dean to be swept into a big hug. “You should have told us,” she says.

Dean takes a step away. He feels like he’s intruding, no matter how close he is to the both of them.

“I know,” Castiel answers. “It was stupid to run off like that.”

Dean knows that there’s more behind it. He knows that Castiel has some good reason for not telling them, something holding him back. He doesn’t push, and neither does Jody.

Donna steps in from the kitchen with a big can in her hands. “Lots of hot chocolate!”

 

Castiel sits down next to Gabriel, and Dean sits down next to Castiel. Castiel leans against him and Dean wraps his arms tightly around his boyfriend. It’s weirdly comfortable despite the crowded couch. It doesn’t feel wrong or secret or bad. Holding Castiel tightly to his chest, kissing his hair, it feels pure and nice. It feels like it would royally piss off John Winchester, and Dean doesn’t mind that though at all.

It’s a nice night. They all sit on the couch for a long time, sipping hot chocolate and talking, mindless reality TV on the TV even though nobody pays any attention. It’s almost morning by the time Castiel yawns loudly. He’s been half asleep on Dean’s lap for a long time.

“I think we should probably head upstairs,” Dean giggles, and it’s nice because he feels like Castiel’s room is his and Castiel’s bed is his and Jody and Donna just smiles at him and nods.

“We should, too,” Donna says. She looks to Gabriel and Samandriel. “Boys, beds are made for you in the guest room.”

Gabriel looks down, then directly at Dean. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

Dean nods. Trying to get Castiel off the couch is a process, and he makes grumpy noises the whole time, but eventually he’s on his feet and heading up the stairs, and Dean steps into the kitchen with Gabriel.

 

Dean is slightly nervous. He knows next to nothing about Gabriel, but there they are, in an empty kitchen. Gabriel’s face is hard to read, and for a while Dean is almost scared, but then a cocky grin breaks out on Gabriel’s face.

“Thanks for taking care of my brother, Dean-o,” he smiles.

Dean smiles. “Sure.”

Then Gabriel looks serious again. “I know this week has probably been hell. I tried to get him to tell you everything before we went, or take you along or something, you know? I really didn’t want us to go. I knew that he lived with cops so I tried to convince him to talk to them first. I guess my point is that Cas is a lot of things, but stupid and reckless aren’t really among those. He was just really desperate to save his brother.”

“Believe me, I get it,” Dean responds, because he does. If he knew someone was doing things like that to Sam, he would have ran off the instant he found out, but nobody is doing anything to Sam except for Sam… and his dad, maybe? Shit.

“I’ll probably be off pretty soon. I have work. Don’t hurt him, all that, all right? I’m too tired to make up a proper threat.” Gabriel tries his best to suppress a yawn as he says it.

Dean smiles. “Gotcha. Night.” He turns and walks up the stairs and into Cas’s room. Then he slips of his shoes and his jeans before he lifts the covers. He curls up next to Cas and hugs him tightly, happy that he’s back, safe, warm, and in Dean’s arms.

Cas makes a small sound and then relaxes completely.

Dean knows they can’t quite sleep yet, though. He needs to know something. “You said something about Dad,” Dean mumbles.

Castiel sighs. “He knew my mom. He also knew I’m gay.”

Dean hugs him even tighter, if possible.

“He said some... shit.” The word is unfamiliar in his mouth, but it seems appropriate.  “Lots of shit, actually, out in the hallway. Said a nice amount of negative things about my mom and siblings. So yeah I was angry, but being talked to like that  - it reminded me how awful living with Crowley was, and so I ran off to get Samandriel immediately.”

Dean wants to say something, but he knows he can’t say anything to make it better, so he just holds on and lets Cas sleep.

When Dean wakes up, Cas is right there, looking at him with a soft smile on his face. Dean drags him in for a kiss. “I love you,” he hums, and then he kisses him again because his smile is ridiculously big and it’s almost embarrassing.


	13. Epilogue

“Gather around, folks!” Jody yells, and the entire garden shifts to sit down around the big table in the middle of it. “So the gang’s all here,” she smiles. She flips the burger on the grill, and then turns to the others. “Samandriel has lived here for a year now.” A short applause erupts, and everyone smiles.

Castiel, who’s sitting next to Samandriel, puts a hand on his shoulder. Sam smiles on the other side of him. Samandriel and Sam have become close friends, and Dean likes it. It’s nice to see Sam that happy. He’s really needed a friend all this time. Of course Jess is in the seat next to Sam’s, and their hands are joined under the table. She kisses the fading bruise on Sam’s face.

“That’s not the only important thing that’s happened. John’s not here, which probably isn’t a surprise, but it’s not just because of his more-than-mild homophobia this time. He won’t be comin’ back, so for the ones of you who didn’t know that, now you know.”

The mood has changed. People look to Sam, Dean and Mary sadly, but Dean’s just smiling, and so is Sam. The fading bruise on Sam’s face comes from John’s fist. He beat him the other day, real hard. The face bruise isn’t bad compared to the rest of Sam’s body, and Dean knows because he brought him to the hospital. If you’d ask Sam though, it was well worth it. When he had been asked what happened, Mary had a lie prepared like always, ready to stand up for her husband. Lucky for them Sam was quicker, and he told the truth. It significantly sped up the divorce, and now John was serving time. Dean’s opinion on that was conflicted, but mostly he was happy, because Sam was happy, and so was Mary. Turned out Sam had tried to tell them a year back, too, when he seemed so secretive, but nobody had believed him.

Jody takes the burgers off the heat and onto a plate. She smiles widely. “We’ll get to eating, but I think Dean wants to say something first.”

Dean fumbles with the pockets of his jeans before standing up. He coughs a little, looks down, looks up. “I’ve been keeping something from all of you for quite a while. And yeah yeah, I know we’ve been pretty transparent and you probably all know by now anyway, but I feel like I should do this anyway. The thing is-“ Dean looks to Castiel. “I’m bisexual, and I’m dating Castiel.” He smiles. It’s silly, and it’s a stupid way to come out. He should have just used Facebook like normal people. Despite that, he feels good. He feels like a significant weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Some people clap, some say _congrats_ , others _I knew it_. Dean sits down and Castiel kisses him on the cheek, whispering an “I’m so proud of you,” into his ear.

“That’s the end of the announcements,” Jody laughs. “Time to eat!”

 

The burgers are delicious, made by Ellen and grilled by Jody, and it’s a great night. Dean feels better than ever. He’s surrounded by family, his stomach is just perfectly full, and he can kiss Cas whenever he wants without worrying about anyone seeing it.

Dean and Castiel get to taste enough alcohol to be just a tiny bit tipsy, and they’re sitting in their chairs, Mary across from them. She walked in on them making out pretty soon after Castiel came back from his rescue mission. Dean has had a really hard time keeping his hands, or more correctly lips, to himself after that, and Castiel is very much okay with the constant kisses and cuddles. Dean still perfectly makes sure not to cross his limits. Castiel is perfect to him either way.

“Dean, do you remember when you kissed a boy in kindergarten?” Mary asks out of the blue, and Dean looks at her, surprised.

“Did I?” he asks, because he can’t remember.

“Yes. I was curious, so I looked at some old pictures of you from back then.”

“And?”

Mary laughs, a long, happy laugh, and then she leans across the table and takes Dean’s hand in hers. “You wanna guess who the boy was?”

Dean looks to Cas, to Mary, and back.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Dean says, because he’s having a really hard time believing it, and then Mary slides an old photograph across the table. It’s of Dean and another boy, laughing. His face is slightly blurry, but it’s obvious that it’s Castiel.

“It’s clearly fate,” Mary smiles, and when Castiel and Dean laugh together they look just like the picture. Donna snaps it on her phone and puts it next to the kindergarten picture. They’re creepily alike.

“ _Clearly_ ,” Dean smiles, and then he kisses Castiel for the millionth time that night.

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve always loved acknowledgments. I always read them when I’m not ready to let go, not quite ready to close the book and put it away, leave the story. I honestly doubt you can compare this little story to any of those books, but I wanted to write some anyway. Therefore:
> 
> This story is the first longer one that I’ve written and I never would’ve finished it without my two wonderful cheerleaders. One of them is the best girlfriend in the world, [Linnéa](http://www.actualfadomtrash.tumblr.com). Your excitement is the most inspiring thing ever (and absolutely adorable, just like everything else about you). The other is one of my closest internet friends and my beta, [Jenna](http://www.featherdfreckles.tumblr.com). You’re awesome. My second beta, or alpha really, was the incredible writer and cool mom friend, [Jenny](http://www.apocalypsecastiel.tumblr.com). Without the two this story would have been kind of shit. 
> 
> A massive thank you to my artist. [Terri](http://www.blog.tmorganart.com)’s art was way above my expectations and I hope you loved it as much as I do. The art masterpost is [here](http://blog.tmorganart.com/post/152180428913).
> 
> I also need to thank the mods of the Deancas Big Bang. I never would have written this if it weren’t for them. I need deadlines to get anything done.
> 
> I’d also thank my real life best friend for handling several rants about this even though she really doesn’t care, but she probably won’t read this. In case she does though: my love is as deep as the holo. And the ocean. And the holo as deep as the love and the ocean.
> 
> Thanks for reading friends! Comments, kudos and shares are all appreciated. Feel free to contact me on or follow me on tumblr: www.profuond.tk or alternatively @sassydean. Have a good day/afternon/evening/probably night (or early morning, let's be real here.) See you around the internet sometime, hopefully <3


End file.
